LICKIN BUSH IN'04 "WHERE WINGS TAKE DREAMS"

2004-12-31T13:57:00.000-08:00

THE END HAS COME

Where Have Stockton and Tweed Gone!?

STOCKTON AND TWEED'S

BAD VERNACULAR

Stop by and have a drink.

2004-12-22T14:06:00.000-08:00

ALMOST TIME TO SAY GOOD BYE!
Editors

As the old year closes and the new year draws near....blah, blah, blah...LB in '04 will be signing off, for good. We tried to Lick a lot of Bush the past eight months, but that wasn't what America wanted.

Look for Stockton & Tweed's latest venture in the next week or so. If you liked LB in '04, you'll love the new stuff. It will still be that familiar, lowest common denominator, immature and inane blog that you've grown to love and admire. Updates will not be as frequent, maybe twice a week or so, but you'll have plenty to amuse yourself with at the new place.

We're keeping LB in '04 open for visitors. Feel free to come in and browse, remembering the good old days, before the darkness fell, again. Just shut the lights off and lock the door before you leave.

In the meantime, the LB in '04 Christmas Party was a huge success.

The interns enjoyed themselves

So did Stockton

Tweed made the decorations

And Tweed got all gussied up!

2004-12-21T04:18:00.000-08:00

BUSH AVOIDS DEBATE
By Tweed

In a move demonstrating that the White House has not given up its near death-grip on every possible facet of how it operates, President Bush yesterday side-stepped another debate:

"Now, the temptation is going to be, by well-meaning people such as yourself and others here, as we run up to the issue, to get me to negotiate with myself in public," Bush told the questioner on Monday. "To say, you know, "What's this mean, Mr. President? What's that mean?

"I'm not going to do that. I don't get to write the law. I'll propose a solution at the appropriate time," Bush said.

Asked to explain one facet of his Social Security policy, Bush agreed but said, "I will try to explain how without negotiating with myself. It's a very tricky way to get me to play my cards. I understand that."

White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card tried to down-play the dodge, noting that "the President did not say that he would never negotiate with himself. He just made clear that he wasn't going to . . . well. . . think about the issue in any great detail."

Bush, After Being Informed that He Actually Could Write the Law if He Wanted to

White House Spokesman Scott McClellen followed up on Mr. Card's remarks, trying to further clarify the President's comments: "The President is a thoughtful person, and he knows that being too thoughtful is wasteful, because there are only so many thoughts someone has." Asked whether the President's comments indicated that Mr. Bush does not yet have a full grasp on the issue, Mr. McClellen asked me never again to attend a White House briefing.

2004-12-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

MR. SNOW-JOB
By Tweed

From the New York Times:

Senior Republicans sounded out Alan Greenspan, chairman of the Federal Reserve, about taking over from John Snow as US Treasury secretary, the Financial Times has learned. The informal approach, which would have put the most respected economic leader in the US in charge of President George W Bush's ambitious second-term domestic agenda, was declined.

The administration's plans to overhaul Social Security and reform the tax system face a stern challenge on Capitol Hill and scepticism in some quarters on Wall Street.

Just days after the Washington DC rumor mill was echoing with the sounds of John Snow's departure, his position now seems secure. The reason: no one seems to want his job. The administration had reached out to a number of other candidates as well, including Claude Pepper, a partner in the accounting firm of Coleman, Taylor and Pepper, P.C., of Scranton Pennsylvania. Mr. Pepper, a lifelong republican, said he received the call from Andy Card two weeks ago. "I was honored to receive a call from the President's Chief of Staff. But my daughter just started med school, and I couldn't afford to keep my cabin in the Poconos if I left my practice."

Karl Heierman, a bookkeeper in Cleveland, Missouri, also received the call. "I told Mr. Card I didn't feel qualified. But Mr. Card said he thought I had what it takes to do the job. Unfortunately, I'm washing my hair that day, so I can't take the job."

"Let's look at it this way," said one Republican insider, "China holds half a trillion dollars and could dump them whenever, however it wants; we have larger trade deficits and budget deficits than we've ever had; we have more off-the-books spending in Iraq and Afghanastan; and the President wants to make his tax cuts permanent and privatize social security."

"We've had to resort to some unusual methods of getting candidates in the door," he concluded.

Candidate for Sec. of the Treasury
Being "Escorted" to the White House

2004-12-15T07:27:00.000-08:00

SYCOPHANTS RECEIVE MEDAL OF FREEDOM
By Tweed

Yesterday, President Bush awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to two of his administration's former top sycophants and one of the only retired top generals to support his re-election bid: contender for Chief White House Tool, L. Paul Bremer; War Justifier in Chief, George Tenet; and General Tommy Franks.

Tenet, Bremer and Franks Immediately Prior to Accepting Their Medals

President Bush delivered a carefully worded endorsement of each and refused to ask questions as to why he chose these three. Others in the administration shed some light on the decision. "We felt that Bremer and Tenet really helped out the President," said an administration official on the condition of annonymity. "They did such a piss-poor job that they really made the President look good. And we were afraid Franks would beat-up someone if he didn't get it."

Other people on the short list were John O'Neill, Zell Miller and Dick Cheney.

2004-12-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

LB in '04 NOMINATED BY BLUE GRASS ROOTS
Editors

LB in '04 would like to thank Ben over at Blue Grass Roots (an excellent blog for national and Kentucky politics) for nominating LB in '04 for a Koufax Award. Our sense of humility prevents us from stating the obvious: clearly, we are the funniest political blog around. However, we will not point that fact (we are funnier than anyone else) out.

Nor will we whore for votes. We will not ask our readers and friends to go here to second the nomination. Or here to vote. In fact, don't even go here.

Thanks Ben. A good guy from a good blog.

Finally, a personal note from Stockton. I turned away from organized religion many years ago. I have never found a house of worship, or a faith, that made me feel comfortable, at home relaxed and joyous. However, I've recently found a church where I can worship consistent with my values and the values of LB in '04. Readers. Jesus is Lord!

Stockton's new home

2004-12-11T12:30:00.000-08:00

KERIK HAS NANNY PROBLEMS
By Stockton

Nanny Problem' Forces Kerik to Withdraw
By KATHERINE PFLEGER SHRADER, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - Bernard Kerik apologized to President Bush on Saturday after questions about the immigration status of a housekeeper-nanny he employed led the former New York City police commissioner to withdraw his nomination as homeland security chief.

"I owe the president an enormous amount of gratitude for this consideration. I owe him a great apology that this may have caused him and his administration a big distraction," Kerik said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press from his home in Franklin Lakes, N.J.

Kerik's Nanny derails Cabinet appointment

Kerik has retained a new employee who will watch his children and take care of the residence. "This time we've checked his immigration status and everything is in order. He even speaks English."

The new Nanny and the Kerik children

2004-12-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

US STUDENTS MIXED SHOWING
By Tweed

The nation's 15-year-olds make a poor showing on a newly released international
test of practical math applications, ranking 24th out of 29 industrialized nations, behind South Korea, Japan and most of Europe. U.S. students' scores were comparable to those in Poland, Hungary and Spain.

But the news is not all that bad, according to Secretary of Education Rod Paige and other education experts. "We may not have the best adders and subtractionaters," said Luke Darnham, an education expert in Alabama, "but we'all got the best bible readers there is."

Darnham pointed to a number of studies indicating that US students know much more about the bible than students in other countries. "Hell," said Darnham, "I bet them limp wristed Frenchies don't even know that Shobach was the leader of the army of Hadadezer and was killed by David's army, or that Dedan was both the son of Raamah and the name of a country that bordered Edom - shoot; and any ole' felah down here-ways knows that - and that's history and what-not!"

Darnham's claims seem to be supported by an LB in 04' independent study which revealed that Europeans are particularly behind the times when it comes to biblical studies. We found that no European could trace the geneology of Jaddua to Eliashib - let alone all the way back to Jeshua, famed companion of Nehemiah.

Clearly, the Europeans have a long road to travel.

2004-12-07T07:50:00.000-08:00

THE GODLY MISFIRE
By Tweed

A blast of Godly condemnation went awry Monday, missing its intended target and destroying one of His own houses of worship:

CINCINNATI - The walls of a church fell about 90 minutes after the last of Sunday's worshippers left, causing the roof to drop onto the pews and pulpit, officials said.

Pastor Carl McMullen and his family were the last to leave the Zion Hill Baptist Church at 1:40 p.m. Sunday and got the call about the collapse an hour and a half later. About 50 people had attended Sunday's service.
"Lord, have mercy — can you believe it?" said the pastor's wife, Debra McMullen. "It's just a blessing that no one was inside." (AP)

"We believe that God was aiming for the Planned Parenthood and Baby Killing Clinic around the corner," said Garrett Barnes, a lucky worshipper. "I guess something went wrong."

St. Albert the Great, patron saint of Cincinnati, could not be reached for comment, but St. Bernadine of Siena, patron saint of public relations, and St. Barbara, patron saint of artillery, ammunition magazines and fire, gave a joint press conference shortly after the incident. "We can neither confirm nor deny that the Church was destroyed by a Holy shot," said St. Bernadine. "We are looking into it."

St. Bernadine Preparing for
the Press Conference

"You have to understand," added St. Barbara, "that a Holy shot is a complicated task, requiring the right planning, timing and holy spirit. If any one thing goes wrong - who knows; maybe a hurricane, volcanic eruption."

St. Barbara, Sword in Hand

Neither St. Bernadine nor St. Barbara would speculate on what may have gone wrong, stating only that Heaven was "looking at all possibilities."

This last apparent misfire from the Lord has raised some concerns and renewed speculation that the United States is being punished, as some evangelicals have proclaimed. Some question the timing of such events as the Mount St. Helen's explosion, the three hurricanes that hit Florida this year and the proliferation of reality TV shows. "God is punishing us," said one worshipper in Cincinnati, "and I'm not sure for what. But I'm letting the Big Guy know the next time I pray that I voted for Kerry."

Kerry at Church Unaffected by Godly Wrath

2004-12-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

SAUDI NATIONALS ATTACK AMERICAN SOIL
By Stockton

In a brazen display, Saudi Nationals attacked the American Consulate in Jiddah, Saudi Arabia. American consulates, like embassies, are United States soil so the attack was not on a diplomatic facility, but against America itself.

According to sources, the Saudi Government is anxiously awaiting President Bush's response to this declaration of war. "He attacked Iraq and Iraq never attacked the United States," said Prince Awah Fatwah I'bn Saud. "I tremble thinking about what he might do to us. After all, Saudi's have actually attacked American soil."

The Saudi Government blames the attack on "deviant" groups that are not representative of a majority of Saudi's. "Yes," said Prince Minniehaha, "deviant groups. Maybe...I don't know....Rotarians or Gay Scout Masters or the Elks Club."

The Bush Doctrine, which makes no distinction between terrorist groups and countries that harbor terrorists, may bode ill for Somalia, according to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "The Saudi attack on our consulate is further evidence that Somalia poses an imminent threat to the United States of America. Or maybe it's Oman. It's a confusing doctrine."

Possible mastermind of the Deviants behind Consulate attack

2004-12-04T14:14:00.000-08:00

TEAM CHRIST HAS BAD SEASON?
By Stockton

AIR FORCE ACADEMY, Colo. - The Air Force Academy's longtime football coach has agreed to remove a Christian banner from the team's locker room after school administrators announced they would do more to fight religious intolerance.

Coach Fisher DeBerry agreed Friday to remove the banner, which displayed the "Competitor's Creed," including the lines "I am a Christian first and last ... I am a member of Team Jesus Christ."
DeBerry put the banner up Wednesday to encourage the team, which has experienced one of its worst seasons in recent years, academy spokesman Lt. Col. Laurent Fox said.

Sophomore Benjamin Steinberg was outraged. "It's so typical," said the angry cadet and Team Christ Running Back. "Those goody-two shoes, liberal Air Force administrators want to drive Jesus out of our school. They want to kill Christ. Trust me, they don't want that on their hands."

The banner, which was displayed in the new Mel Gibson locker room, was a favorite with most team members.

Third String Kicker, Abdu Harrashmian Patel, found solice in the banner. "We've been getting our asses kicked lately," said the senior. "Better Team Christ than Team Vishnu."

DeBerry, who placed the 'Non-denominational' banner in the locker room, has replaced it with a new, more encouraging banner. "START WINNING OR WE'RE SHIPPING YOUR ASSES TO IRAQ!"

The Jesus banner will not go to waste. "We've found the banner a very nice home," said DeBerry, refusing to give any more details.

2004-12-02T05:03:00.000-08:00

MORE TROOPS TO IRAQ MEANS NEW RECRUITMENT TACTICS
By Tweed

Increased troop levels in Iraq have seriously depleted the military resources. The back-door draft is in full swing, and extensions of troop deployments in Iraq are the norm.

But the requirements of national defense have exceeded our resources, and the military is organizing localized its recruiting practices.

"We know we have to do better," said Col. Mark Harkman, of the Army's recruiting office. "That's why we're matching the right recruiter to the right community - matching community characteristics with the recruiter."

Col. Harkman introduced two new recruiting officers at a press conference: Capt. Daryl Lee Gates and Capt. Tyrell "G-Dog" Howard. "Capt. Gates will be hitting the streets of urban New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles and Washington, DC; while G-Dog will be heading to Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia and South Carolina to squeeze the last ounce of support from those areas," said Col. Harkman. "We are really excited about this."

Capt. Gates is Eager to Recruit in Harlem

Col. Harkman also noted that Capts. Gates and Howard will be introducing another new feature of the Army's recruiting effort - informal dress. "We want these guys to wear the clothes that will best help their efforts."

Capt. Howard, with Some of His Staff

Both Capt. Gates and Capt. Howard seemed eager: "Yo, I wanna send some muthafucking redneck hick to take a cap in his ass for this KKKountry, since he's the dumbass muthafuckah that voted for the jackass in the White House," said Capt. Howard. "The blessed US of A needs a great cleansing of the lesser species - and starting in the inner cities makes sense," added Capt. Gates.

2004-12-01T21:58:00.000-08:00

ILLINOIS GOP FINDS CANDIDATE
By Stockton

In the wake of Alan Keyes' embarrassing showing in the 2004 Senate Race, the Illinois GOP has already recruited a candidate to take on Democrat Richard Durbin in the next senate race.

"It has been a tough year," said the Republican Chairman of Illinois (who wished to remain anonymous). "We picked the perv [Jack Ryan], then we picked a madman from Maryland. This time, we wanted time to really checkout the background of our candidate."

According to the Chairman, youth and vigor were they main criteria when searching for Durbin's opponent. "We wanted someone young and but experienced. We wanted someone who wasn't afraid to say what he'd do in Washington. Someone with conviction and with family values. We're not getting caught with our pants down this time."

Their choice, was young Sidney Blatt, a Springfield resident. Mr. Blatt was unavailable for comment, but did forward a press packet.

Sid Blatt - Illinois GOP's Great Hope

2004-11-30T20:48:00.003-08:00

SALVATION AND GRILLED CHEESE
By Stockton

The religious world was turned upside down earlier this month when a decade old grilled cheese sandwich was auctioned off for $28,000. Why so much? Because, according to its owner (and grilled cheese aficionado) it bears the likeness of Christ's mother, the Virgin Mary.

The seller, Fort Lauderdale, Florida resident Diana Duyser, says she made the cheese sandwich 10 years ago and after taking a bite, saw "the Virgin Mary staring back at me."

In her eBay ad, Duyser said the sandwich has been kept in a plastic case for a decade and has developed no mold or bacteria. "It is like a miracle," she said.

"I would like all people to know that I do believe that this is the Virgin Mary Mother Of God," the ad said. "That is my solemn belief, but you are free to believe that she is whomever you like, I am not scamming anyone."

Upon seeing the image, Ms. Duyser immediately purchased a Subway Party Platter. "I hoped to get the Twelve Apostles," said Duyser. "But all I got was dried out turkey and greasy salami. The tuna fish was good though."

Biblical scholars are split on the authenticity of the image. Rev. H. Emmet James, of the World Church of Christ in Chedder England, is a believer. "Never forget," said Reverend James. "Mary, like her son, was a Jew. The sandwich was made in Fort Lauderdale. Coincidence? Think about it."

Pastor William Foster (Swiss Reform Church, Muenster, Indiana) was equally excited. "This is it!" Said Pastor Foster. "The end times are here! This is bigger than the time that St. Peter appeared on my oven mit."

Still, some are skeptical. Father Francis O'Malley believes it's far too early to be announcing miracles. "And why a grilled cheese?" askes the Roman Catholic priest. "A Ruben maybe, or a Monte Cristo, but grilled cheese? The real miracle is that some type of tupperware kept the sandwich mold free. Now that's truly divine."

Some agree that a woman's image is on the sandwich but differ on the woman. Other than the Virgin Mary, others see:

1- The Mona Lisa
2- Boy George
3- Cher
4- Betty Boop
5- Nora O'Donnell
6- Greta Garbo

The real question, still unanswered, is if Ms. Duyser is sincere, why is she whoring the Virgin Mary?

2004-11-29T04:29:00.000-08:00

PRESIDENT ASKS FOR HELP DURING THANKSGIVING BARBECUE
By Tweed

The President's Thanksgiving message was filled with holiday spirit, as reported by the Associated Press:

"We also recognize our duty to share our blessings with the least among us," the
president said. "Throughout the holiday season, schools, churches, synagogues
and other generous organizations gather food and clothing for their neighbors in
need. Many young people give part of their holiday to volunteer at homeless
shelters or food pantries.
"On Thanksgiving, and on every day of the year, America is a more hopeful nation because of the volunteers who serve the weak and the vulnerable."

But the President also called on Americans to do more. "As the dollar falls and inflationiary pressures increases, cuz fern investors don't think we-all know what to do with our debt, and cuz the debt is so dang big and all - due to those tax and spend liberals in Congress, and because I want you to have more of your money and social security to be more of what you want of your own money, and it'll cost something, we need to give more to those in need - like Haliburton. The money they get's not worth as much anymore because of inflationairy pressures - and BMWs are German and Euros cost more now. So; I want all Mericans to give thanks and give money this holiday to Merica. But because I'm so good at this governing thing and budgets and all of that - you don't have to give now - you can just let your kids give when they get old enough to pay."

2004-11-23T11:28:00.000-08:00

SENATE BREAKS WITH TRADITION:
READS LEGISLATION PRIOR TO VOTE
By Tweed

In a radical departure from tradition, US Senators took the unusual step of reading a bill before voting on it.

In so doing, Senators discovered that the House had passed a measure allowing staffers to review individual income tax returns. According to the Associated Press (November 22, 2004):

The intent, [Representative Istook (R-OK)] said, was to give House and Senate Appropriations chairmen and their aides access to IRS processing centers for oversight purposes and not to review individual returns. The provision says committee chairmen and their agents would have access to IRS "facilities and any tax returns or return information contained therein."

"Hell," said Rep. Istook upon learning of the text, "I didn't mean that."

Senators were stunned by what they read. "I just couldn't believe what was there," said Senator Sue Collins (R-Maine), "there are titles, subtitles, parts, subparts, sections, cross references - both internal and external - and the codification is all different from the USC - I just got so confused."

Senators Breaking With Tradition

In addition to the tax provision, Senators discovered provisions calling for the abolition of left-handed egg-beaters, funding for the National Commission on National Commissions, outlawing of all autombiles with the letter "m" in their name, funding for research into the viability of cruise control for baby strollers, creation of national pizza and beer day and a repeal of all sales taxes on any goods or services of more than $2.

Senator Hatch (R-Some Western State) expressed dismay at the Senate's change in tradition. "For years its been alright for us to proceed in this fashion. And not one shred of scientific evidence indicates that there is a reason for change. This is an example of the media distorting the facts."

Senator Kit Bond Discovering the Provision
Selling Missouri to El Salvador for a Herd of Llamas

Not all Senators agreed with Hatch. "Sometimes change is good," said Lincoln Chafee (R-Rhode Island), "sometimes change is the only option really left."

It is not yet clear whether the Senate's radical departure from tradition will be followed in the House.

2004-11-22T08:06:00.000-08:00

WELLER LAYS GROUNDWORK FOR '08
By Stockton

In what many see as the first salvo in the battle for the '08 GOP nomination, Illinois Republican Jerry Weller (11th Dist.) wed Zury Rios Sosa. Sosa is the daughter of former Guatemalan dictator Efrain Rios Montt. Many believe Montt will serve as a close advisor to Weller when the congressman runs for the White House.

"Rove is a fine campaign advisor," said an aid close to Weller. "But, Kerry and Edwards are still breathing. That's not the kind of thing you'll see with Signor Montt at your side."

Political Scientists were not surprised at the Weller move. "The GOP is in its dictatorial infancy," said Mark Goldstein, a political science professor at Columbia University. "With experts like Montt and Sosa at their side, they'll be able to fine tune their leadership style." As for the wedding:

Francisco Paloma, Rios Montt's personal notary public and lawyer, officiated, but the former dictator also led part of the religious proceedings.

The sound of his sermon carried outside the mansion, where he could be heard saying "the husband is the brains of his woman ... who should be loved like the church loves Christ."
Rios Montt, who embraced evangelical Christianity after leaving the army, also said "the science of marriage is to become one, just like the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit."

Rios Sosa, who has been married three times before, will move to the United States and live with her husband. But she says she will not give up her seat in the senate, preferring to fly back to Guatemala to fulfill her legislative responsibilities.

Rios Sosa, an active supporter of her father who directed his presidential campaign, also helped Weller campaign after the U.S. Federal Election Commission voted unanimously to let her participate.

Weller requested the ruling to clarify a law prohibiting foreign nationals from making a contribution of money "or other thing of value" to candidates.

The Groom wore a black suit while the Bride wore a cream-colored, strapless gown and a shimmering strand of gold fillings. The tables were tastefully decorated with the preserved fingers and skulls of Montt's victims.

Weller's move was quickly known in political circles and counter-moves are already in progress. Pennsylvania Senator Rick "Man-Dog Sex" Santorum has invited Mussolini's great granddaughter to D.C. to discuss "his future" while Alan Keyes has expressed interest in meeting with Ida Amin's children. The Noriega and Sukarno children are still available.

2004-11-18T20:48:00.000-08:00

COURT RULES TEXAS CAN'T "EXECUTE 'TARDS"
By Stockton

In a 7-2 ruling, the United States Supreme Court stopped the execution of a Texas man because the jury did not consider the man's low intelligence when voting for the death penalty. The court ruled that such factors as IQ and participation in 'Special Education' classes should be considered before passing on the ultimate punishment. In dicta, the Court stated:

"In a civilized, humane society, the execution of retards should only be done following high voter turnout in Red States during Presidential Elections."

The Texas State Prosecutor, Roy 'Cooter' Conklin was angry at the High Court's activist intervention.

"The Jew S. Supreme Court has made a radical decision that will all but castrate our God-given right to kill. If low intelligence will negate the application of the death penalty, then we won't be able to execute anyone in Texas."

Conklin's argument, that the jury's average IQ was lower than the defendant's, was ignored by the court. "It just don't make no sense," said one juror. "Who's gonna sit on a jury if we can't fry a tard?"

The Jury: "Disappointed no tards will fry."

The decision has prompted one Texas Congressman to introduce legislation that would strip the United States Supreme Court of appellate jurisdiction over matters involving the U.S. Constitution.

2004-11-17T01:35:00.000-08:00

CLINTON LIBRARY TO OPEN IN FALLUJAH, ARKANSAS
By Tweed

Bill Clinton's presidential library will open, shortly in Fallujah, Arkansas, where residents have been urged to not carry around their weapons on the day of the event. As reported by Reuters:

Acxiom Corporation distributed a memo to the 420 employees in its 12-story sales
and marketing building in Little Rock's River Market district -- near the Clinton library -- reminding them of its policy forbidding weapons on company property.
"This would not be a time to violate that policy," said Dale Ingram, spokesman for Acxiom.

The current President Bush will be wearing his now well-worn-in bullet proof vest that proved itself useless during the debates.

Speaking of which; what kind of jackass president wears a bullet proof vest to a presidential debate?

Oh yeah. That kind.

2004-11-15T20:31:00.000-08:00

NOTE TO OUR READERS
Editors

You may have noticed a decrease in the volume of material being posted by your faithful servants, Stockton & Tweed, here at LB in '04. There are a number of causes - work on Stockton & Tweed's "How To Law School" and Stockton's alter boy trial, for example - but one cause stands above all others:

***A NEW FLAGSHIP STOCKTON & TWEED SITE IS ON THE WAY***

Yes, folks, you heard it here first. LB in '04 will soon become defunct and a new Stockton & Tweed site will become funct January 1, 2005. It will be functabulous and functaliscious. The name will be kept secret until then due to national security reasons. Knowing the name now may very well put your lives in danger.

Those of you concerned about access to LB in '04 have no fear - the ontological roots of Stockton & Tweed's blogomania will be archived and accessible through the new site.

Those of you concerned about the quality of the new site should have no fear as well - same low-grade, male adolescent sense of humor will pervade, although we pledge to try harder with respekt two our speling.

And don't be concerned about our losing our political standing. Our new site will be an all-out literary (OK, maybe not quite "literary" in the liberal elite sense) assault on all things RED. Like barns. Why the heck do barns have to be red!? And although RED will receive the full brunt of our rapier-like wit and disdain, remember, RED is more a state of mind than a geographic locale.

We at LB in '04 are truly thankful for the wonderful response we've had to our little ole' site. And we pray to our savior Jesus Christ that God protect you and keep your sick, disgusting, prurient laden, sorry-ass, wacko selves the hell away from our daughters - and sons (This means you, Jen).

In the meantime, we plan to maintain a steady stream. . . OK, a fairly steady stream of posts here at LB in 04.

Keep checking in - and we'll do the same.

Ciao

2004-11-12T06:41:00.000-08:00

CHRISTIANS SEEK RECONCILIATION
By Tweed

Fundamentalist Christians are heeding the calls of many political leaders to aschew the rancor and bad feelings engendered over the recent years. Prominent among those is Bob Jones University President Bob Jones III (as reported by the Associated Press):

GREENVILLE, S.C. - Bob Jones III, president of the fundamentalist college that bears his name, has told President Bush he should use his electoral mandate to appoint conservative judges and approve legislation "defined by biblical norm."
"In your re-election, God has graciously granted America — though she doesn't deserve it — a reprieve from the agenda of paganism," Jones wrote Bush in a congratulatory letter posted on the university's Web site. "You have been given a mandate. ... Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ," said the letter, dated Nov. 3.

"Never have there been written," said White House Press Secretary Scott "Goebbels" McClellen, "that reflect the goals of unity, compassion, understanding and love than those written by Bob Jones."

The President added "Bob Jones - great man . . . great leader. . . created a great in-sti-tu-tion of higher learning, education. Ya see; he knows how to bring people together to teach and learn from each other. And we should all listen to what he has to say."

When asked whether he believed that Senator John Kerry despised the Christ prayed to be Bush, Bob Jones replied that the answer was "obvious;" that Kerry's "papism would have resulted in the whole-sale slaughter of all true Christians." When asked why the United States did not deserve a reprieve from the agenda of paganism, Jones replied "because of the existence of the democratic party and pant-suits."

2004-11-11T07:51:00.000-08:00

BUSH NOMINATES NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL
By Stockton

The President checking out his new Attorney General'sspicy little ass

2004-11-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

KERRY FAILED TO WOO WOMEN
By Stockton

According to post election polling, Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry did far worse than Al Gore among women. While Gore carried the female vote by 11 points over Bush, Kerry won a much narrower margin.

"Kerry simply didn't woo us," said Charlotte Dempsey, author of Women Who Love Presidential Candidates Too much. "He didn't take the time to talk to us or make us feel special."

Dempsey, a pro-choice, pro-stem cell funding liberal, just wanted some attention from the Democratic candidate. "I agreed with Kerry on almost everything," says Dempsey, "but some one on one time would have been nice. A girl likes to be wined and dined before she pulls a lever for a guy. I can see why some gals went for Bush. He's got that strong, silent type thing going on. He may not want us to have access to birth control, but damn, I love that swagger."

Kerry, who has married two wealthy women, could not be reached for comment.

2004-11-09T22:14:00.000-08:00

WHY WE'RE DEMOCRATS
By Stockton
Because Elephants just don't get it!Courtesy of Jen

2004-11-09T22:06:00.000-08:00

WELCOME TO GEORGE BUSH'S AMERICA
By Stockton

The slope is getting slippery.

Druggists refuse to give out pill
Tue Nov 9, 6:54 AM ET

By Charisse Jones, USA TODAY

For a year, Julee Lacey stopped in a CVS pharmacy near her home in a Fort Worth suburb to get refills of her birth-control pills. Then one day last March, the pharmacist refused to fill Lacey's prescription because she did not believe in birth control.

"I was shocked," says Lacey, 33, who was not able to get her prescription until the next day and missed taking one of her pills. "Their job is not to regulate what people take or do. It's just to fill the prescription that was ordered by my physician."

Now the unfertilized egg is sacred.

I'd write something funny, but there's nothing funny about this. Why do they hate our individual freedoms? Why do they want to tell us what to do? If you don't think we are in a war with these people, wake up. But, should we be surprised? These are the same people who kill doctors. Conservatives want to control what you do and how you think. They detest individual liberty and detest allowing people to make their own moral decisions.

I hope I can still get my viagra.

2004-11-09T08:23:00.000-08:00

WHAT'S BEHIND THE RED CURTAIN IN ALABAMA?
RACISM
By Tweed

The Associated Press reports:

MONTGOMERY, Ala. - Old times are not forgotten in the heart of Dixie. Alabama
voters elected a Supreme Court candidate linked to Old South ideals and
apparently killed a move to strike segregationist language from the state
Constitution, a victory of sorts for the state's neo-Confederate crowd.

Michael Hill, president of the pro-secession League of the South, said Tom Parker's election Tuesday and the Amendment Two results make it obvious many Alabama voters still identify with Southern causes.

"YEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAA!" and "God Bless Jeff Davis and the Confederacy!" were the most common refrains heard from voting booths throughout Alabama as the voters surged to the polls to vote down the amendment. In addition to the vote against Amendment Two, Alabama voters approved a resolution denying the existence of the years 1860 - 2004, a law requiring the wearing of dirty red overalls (with no shirt) by all gas station attendants and a new regulatory structure requiring Satan and his minion to register with the clerk of each county in which Satan or his minion intend to operate.

Tom Parker, a former aide to Roy "Ten Commandments" Moore, claimed that his victory had much in common with George Bush's 2000 election victory. "I had a meeting with a bunch of the Republican Party leaders and they told me I'd make a good candidate. Then God told me he wanted me to be State Senator. But a friend of mine was State Senator in my jurisdiction, so I asked God if I could run for the Supreme Court. He asked about its current make-up and then gave me the OK. Praise Jesus! Amen."

Republican party leaders refused to take credit for their electoral victory, instead giving all the credit to Jesus. "I'm just glad we're able to do God's good work here on earth," said Harlan Ashburn, of Selma. "Jesus Christ, our savior, really brought it home for us today. We had him going door-to-door, making speaches, attending fundraisers. Tell you what. No one but no one can bring down the house like the son of God. And he can hold his drink too."

2004-11-05T07:03:00.000-08:00

BUSH TO USE POLITICAL CAPITAL
By Tweed

President Bush today outlined his plans for the future and the use of all the "policatal. . . cap . . . capital that's political" he received during the 2004 election. "First, I'm gonna get a burrito. Then, I'm gonna get Laura a nice pearl necklace, like the one mama wears. Then I'm gonna get her a white frizzy wig and see if I can get her to gain about 70 pounds."

Bush Preparing his Next Meal

Asked about his plans for the country, Bush resorted to the soaring rehtoric he is known for: "America is the greatest country on earth, and that the earth has never before seen it. And we are great, we . . . us . . Americans are. Terrists want to kill us and kill the dream world that is America with evilness. And we must never stop, never waiver, never yield in our crusade to end the reign of Muslem terr. Now lemme go pee."

2004-11-04T18:50:00.000-08:00

BUSH STARTS RETALIATION
By Stockton

With the 2004 President Election barely cold and in the ground, President Bush has already begun his campaign of retribution.

LITTLE EGG HARBOR, N.J. - A National Guard F-16 fighter jet on a nighttime training mission strafed an elementary school with 25 rounds of ammunition, authorities said Thursday. No one was injured.

The military is investigating the incident that damaged Little Egg Harbor Intermediate School shortly after 11 p.m.

After Nationalizing the National Guard, President Bush ordered the attack on the "Blue State" just before 11:00PM. New Jersey voted Democratic in the last four Presidential Elections.

New Jersey Governor James McGreevey promptly contacted the White House, admitted he was gay and surrendered the state.

2004-11-04T18:44:00.000-08:00

UNDER BUSH, SCIENCE DOESN'T STALL
By Stockton

While many believed science and scientific research would suffer under George W. Bush, a major breakthrough has sent shockwaves through the scientific world.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. researchers said on Thursday they had found sperm nursery cells in mice, grown them in lab dishes and used them to father baby mice.

The news has eased concerns about the future of the endangered mouse population around the world.

2004-11-04T03:40:00.000-08:00

CAUSE OF DEMOCRATIC DEFEAT REVEALED!
By Tweed

The editors of LB in 04' have discovered the cause of Senator Kerry's defeat at the hands of the most incompetent president since Buchanan.

The cause was revealed to Stockton and Tweed as they reviewed the results of the LB in 04' mini poll (asking readers to identify where they got their news).

"Thirty-Four percent of our readers - almost all of which are good and loyal democrats - make up their own news," noted Stockton. "This included Tweed, whose election prediction reflected his lack of understanding of the world around him. We suspect that many democrats, similarly confused, neglected to vote - or, not understanding the importance of correctly identifying their polling places, figured they could vote while pooping."

LB in 04' Reader (We Suspect Rusty)
Attempting to Vote

Surprisingly, LB in 04' readers rated LB in 04' third, behind that alleged comedian's show - the Daily Show. Bill Mahr, the angry, cursing guy, garned a measly 4 votes, sufficient to place him fourth. Some readers got their news from the back of cereal boxes and two (Stockton and Tweed) get their news from Playboy (there really are some good articles there).

In a surprising last place finish was reruns from Weekend Update.

SEE THE NEW LB IN 04' MINI POLL!

2004-11-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

LB in '04 UPDATE
By Stockton

Yes, Stockton is still alive and safely ensconced in the heart of Deep Blue Country (I've never been prouder of my region of the country and a big welcome aboard to New Hampshire). Tweed is missing in action behind enemy lines. We all hope for the best. The last contact had with the illustrious LB in '04 Editor was via car phone as he made his way, along with hundreds of other refugees, towards the Blue Corridor (ME through MD).

Apparently, the election was Tuesday. That explains the look on people's faces when I showed up at the Firehouse this morning.

So, what have we learned. I have learned the pre-Enlightenment attitudes are alive and well in the US of A. I've learned that the Bushites are extremely ungracious and bitter winners. I've learned that Charlie's Angels is on at 2:30 AM.

There is a bright side to this epic disaster. We will have Dubya to kick around for four more years. Just think of the potential for Stockton & Tweed. We do plan on announcing a new Blog before the end of the year and hope our regular readers will continue to stop by.

We fought the good fight, with good men and women (and Rusty). We were right, and the south and square states were wrong. Unfortunately, the Electoral College is not favorable at this time. I'd rather lose with Kerry than win with Bush. I can sleep at night and have no reason for shame.

Finally, I've learned that at least one poll from the past week was dead on accurate: the Right Direction - Wrong Direction poll had a clear trend towards Wrong Direction (in the low to mid 50's) Yesterday that trend continued. America is clearly on the wrong track.

I've read many rants and raves from both sides (and they are sides, we are not united and I for one can find little to no common ground with the Bushites) but Stockton prefers to endure America's humiliation with stoic dignity until this interim junta is gone and America elects a person we can be proud of.

It's a sad day when the majority of American males don't want to lick bush. They'll never know what they're missing.

2004-11-03T19:18:00.000-08:00

NOTES FROM THE UNDERGROUND
By Tweed
Reporting from Occupied Territory

If you knew Stockton as well as I do, you'd be just as surprised as me prediction of the election was accurate.

Quite frankly, I don't know why anyone would vote for this jack-ass.

Here in Northern Virginia (a little bit of NJ in the South), I must confess some happiness with the results. While VA did not reach 47% for Kerry, Kerry won a greater percentage than Gore did in 2000, and Northern Virginia voted overwhelming for Kerry - including Fairfax County (52.6 to 46.3), which went for Bush, Dole, Bush.

Overall, disappointed, though. Looks like all the Battleground states I IDed went the other way - like my first girlfirend. Let that be a lesson to you.

And the Republicans made ground in the Reichstag as well. Bummer.

At least Stockton and I get to Lick Bush for another four years.

2004-10-31T09:41:00.000-08:00

UNDECIDEDS CONFUSED; CRAZY; STUPID
By Tweed

Much talk has centered on the undecided voters in this election. As we close in on election day, we at LB in 04' decided to investigate what undecided voters are looking for in a candidate, and why neither Bush nor Kerry has penetrated what many see as the key to the election.

"I'm leaning toward Mondale," said self-professed undecided voter Karl Levin, "but I like Ford, too. It's just so hard to make up my mind - and all those negative ads don't help much neither. I don't watch em'. When they come on, I turn it off."

Undecided Voter Karl Levin: Leaning Toward Mondale

Other undecideds were more to the point. Dell Smothers of Cedar Rapids was an example: "I know the President is a religious man and that God told him to be president. But I'm a little worried - why didn't God tell him about the September 11 terror attacks in advance? Did the President not get the message? I'm not sure he's getting all of God's messages; and that worries me."

Cynthia Johnson, of Portman, Michigan, was not sure which candidate more closely reflected her views: "Well, I guess I'm pro-choice, want to save the environment, think Iraq was a bad idea, hate the idea of these huge deficits, believe that the government should help keep down the cost of health care, believe we need a larger military, think that economic stability would be helped by a more progressive tax system and think the country is headed in the wrong direction. I just can't tell which candidate is for me."

Smothers: Afraid Bush Isn't
Picking Up on God's Signals

Glenn Montrose of Sydney, Ohio, had this to say: "Everyone said this was the most important election ever, and so I said I'd vote. But the people calling me with questions about how I will vote won't talk to me for more than a few minutes unless I tell them I'm undecided. I don't like Bush, so I'm voting for Badnarik, because his campaign team says that he has the best chance of beating Bush."

Vern Cox of Topeka, Kansas, said that he had made up his mind shortly before we caught up with him. "I'm voting for the talking Iguana," he said.

One group of undecideds did not reflect the psychosis found in others. Tony Burns, of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, was emblematic. "I'm a republican. I voted for Bush in 2000, Dole in 96,' Bush in 92' and 88' - and of course, Reagan, Ford, Nixon. But this guy - with his irresponsible budgets, underfunding the military, trying to legislate his moral beliefs, not letting people with alternative views speak, incredibly negative advertising and gross incompetence and never standing up and taking the blame. What's worst about this administration, though, is the lack of contradicting views battling on their merits for adoption. . . it's like the conservative version of political correctness. This is not why I became a republican."

Will Old-Tyme Republicanism Stay With the President?

2004-10-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

ALERT!

LB in '04 is currently in lock down mode due to the bin Laden video tape. When the danger passes we will post again.

2004-10-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

BUSH PREDICTS VICTORY AMONG DIGITALLY CREATED PEOPLE
By Tweed

Citing the huge support he has been receiving in digitally doctored photographs of his campaign rallies, the Bush campaign has expressed confidence in winning, by a large margin, the vote of digitally created people.

"John Kerry likes to tell you that he's for you," Bush said at a recent rally of digitally created people on a computer screen in Bush campaign headquarters in Arlington, VA. "But if he's for you, where is he - how come he's not makin' the effort to reach out to you and talk to you." The president's remarks drew huge computer generated cheers from legions of replications of Pfc. Howard Otterman, Pfc. Joseph Cartman and Linda Hastings, of Eagleton, NE.

"We think that this is an untapped voting block that is perfect for this president," said Ken Mehlman, Bush campaign chief. "These people are the definition of a captured audience - and there no hecklers, they don't laugh when he says something stupid and they cheer whenever we want them to - really, they do - do you want me to make them cheer now?" In addition, campaign aides say, Bush doesn't have to stand up straight when addressing them.

Bush Speaking to Undecided Digitally Created People

The effort has not been without problems and controversy, however. Despite their best efforts, some digitally created people are turning against the president. The campaign has admitted some problems in this regard, but has created special "cyber-first amendment zones" where the wayward digitally created people may congregate.

Not All Digitally Created People Are Welcome at Virtual Rallies

Nonetheless, the Bush team feels confident that Bush will carry this crucial voting block; and have a strategy if things start to go the other way. "The great thing about this voting block," said one campaign advisor, "is that we can just keep reproducing these guys over and over again. The degredation is virtually non-existent. And we just get more voters."

Bush's team is also starting outreach to "digital-thingy voters" in an effort to expand further his base of support. "All prorgrams will vote for Bush," said the Bush Digital-Thingy outreach chief.

Will Out Reach to Digital Thingies Put Bush Over the Edge?

2004-10-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

BUSH VOWS A CERTAIN SWING STATE WILL BE HIS
By Stockton

This afternoon, President George W. Bush made a daring pledge during a campaign stop in Tuscahootchiehassi Florida, vowing to take the swing state of "North Cadota". The President went on to call North Cadota, 'Bush Country'.

In recent days the President has felt very confident about his re-election chances but the pledge has his campaign staff worried.

"We're not really sure there is a North Cadota," said Campaign Director Lester Hill. "It's great that we're going to win there, but we know very little about that state."

After the President's bold claim, campaign officials huddled together in a five hour meeting in an attempt to interpret the President's vow. Most agreed the President meant North Carolina and/or North Dakota. Some disagreed.

"Those states are already in the bag," said one anonymous campaign staffer. "It wouldn't make sense to vow to carry a state that's in the bag. If the President says he's winning in North Cadota then he's winning in North Cadota."

"That's how strong Bush-Cheney is," said GOP Chairman Ed Gillespie. "We're going to sweep states that don't even exist."

Confident Bush predicts win in North Cadota!

2004-10-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

O'REILLY SETTLES VIBRATOR CASE
By Stockton

Fox's own Bill O'Reilly has decided to settle the sexual harassment suit brought against him by a former Fox employee. The terms of the settlement are confidential but a source close to the "No Spin Zone" host was willing to talk to LB in '04.

The married Bill O'Reilly has agreed to the following:

1- A payment of money damages even though he did nothing wrong;

2- Mr. O'Reilly will limit his phone calls to female Fox employees to three a week;

3- Mr. O'Reilly may masturbate during two of those phone calls;

4- If Mr. O'Reilly wishes to use a vibrator while on the phone, he may do so once a month;

5- Fox News will pay 50% of the costs for the batteries.

2004-10-27T22:50:00.000-07:00

AND CRYSTAL'S COMMENTS - HOWDY, CRYSTAL (originally published July 26)
Editors

Crystal, from Texas, has duly chastised LB in '04 for a recent article comparing Texas to Massachusetts. Welcome Crystal. We're glad you read and enjoy Lickin Bush.

i assume that since you think that bush is such a horibble person you also assume every one from texas is exactly like him? have you ever been to texas? im sure you all think that we all still ride horses and say howdy too? and we all have a southern cowboy accent? is that what you think cause you should realy keep your mouth shut untell you actually have any clue, of what texas is like! and your percentages are are erelavent if you actually used your brain youd relize texas is alot bigger than mass. so ofcourse texas is going to have a bigger percentage! sorry if i seem rude im not upset with the writer or anyone really, i just hate those people that talk so much shit to be like all the other bush haters and they dont even know anything about it, its just the cool thing to do, theres people every were that dislike some other person, theres good and bad people so get over it already you dislike bush fine your intitled to your own opinion but whats the point of taking it out on texas!!

crystal 07.26.04 - 12:33 am

We here at LB in '04 would like to apologize to Crystal from Texas. We mistakenly thought that using percentages would be proper when comparing different sized states. Next time we'll use the actual numbers rather than percentages. No more per capita for us.

We have also reviewed the article and found no reference to President Bush, cowboy accents or people saying 'Howdy'. We are willing to find those numbers, Crystal. If you are correct, we'll certainly indicate that the percentage of people in Texas who say 'Howdy' has plummeted.

One correction, however. You do not 'seem rude'. Telling someone to 'shut-up' or 'if youd use your brain' does not make you seem rude. Obviously, you are not a Bush supporter. I deduce that fact from your use of the word 's--t'. Please feel free to write again, but we do not allow profanity at LB in '04. We feel it detracts from the wholsesome, Family Values image we try to project.

Your point about not going to Texas is a good one. Before we publish any more Federal Statistics, we'll go to Texas and actually count the number of people living below the poverty level and speak with those who have been raped and murdered. We do value accuracy.

Thanks for the imput, Crystal. We relize you are intitled to your opinions, even if you think we're erelevant and horibble. We're happy you enjoy Lickin Bush as much as we do. Keep Lickin Bush and Yeah for Texas!

DID YOU KNOW:

Texas is 48 in the nation in using capital letters;

Has suffered from a punctuation drought since 1979;

Howdy, Y'all

2004-10-27T22:42:00.000-07:00

LB in '04 FLASHBACK - MASSACHUSETTS V TEXAS (originally published July 22)
By Stockton

In anticipation of the Massachusetts bashing we can expect next week from the Republicans, we thought we'd look at some actual facts.

Education
Under the Education governor, George Bush, we expect to see a high level of educational achievement. In the People's Republic of Massachusetts, failed public schools.

In Texas, 75.7% have obtained a high school diploma;
In Massachusetts - 84.8
The national average - 80.4

In Texas, 23.2% have obtained a BA
In Massachusetts - 33.2%
The national Average - 24.4

Standard of Living
With its pro-business and pro-deregulation stance, Texas must produce good jobs with good pay, creating a high household income and low poverty.

In Texas, 15.4% live below the poverty level
In Massachusetts - 9.3
The national average - 12.4

OK, but with the oil industry, income must be really good, right?
The median household income in Texas, $39,927
In Massachusetts - $50,502
The national average - $41,994

Crime
Here's one where Texas can compete, right? With right-to-carry laws and its tough on crime policy, death penalty and pro-gun culture, this one is a no-brainer.

Percentages are per 100,000 people
Rape in Texas, 37.7 (does not include "Texas Foreplay)
In Massachusetts - 26.7

Murder in Texas, 5.9
In Massachusetts - 2.0

Violent Crime in Texas, 545.1
In Massachusetts - 407.6
Texas is ranked 8th in violent crime, nationally
Massachusetts is ranked 42nd

Statistics can be found here and here.

Misc Statistics

The leading cause of death in Massachusetts is cardiac arrest, most prevalent in September. This stat is skewed due to the number of Red Sox fans.

The leading cause of accidental death in Texas is being crushed by a jacked-up home while trying to change a tire.

The violent crime rate in Texas is artificially low and is expected to rise once shooting your buddy in a drunken rage is criminalized.

Higher education statistics tend to be skewed in Texas because 9th Grade is considered post-graduate work.

Don't do drugs.

2004-10-27T22:26:00.000-07:00

UPDATE

The Editors would like to apologize for the lack of updates. Stockton has been busy with his parole officer and Tweed is away for a few days at the annual NAMBLA Jamboree. We expect to post something soon. To tide you over, some predictions and observations:

Bush or Kerry will be the next President; Nader will not, we repeat, will not, win;

Mississippi will go for Bush;

Kerry will take Rhode Island;

There are more teeth in New York than in all the red states combined;

The poorest states vote Republican due to the high percentage of stupid people living therein;

Half of these predictions are 60% accurate.

2004-10-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

THE CONSEQUENCES OF BUSH V. GORE
By Tweed

I'm not changing my election prediction, though I would tweek some of it as time goes on. I believe that massive voter turn out, the majority of which favors Kerry, is the most likely of a great number of possible election outcomes.

But while my election predictions are famously accurate (I missed only Oregon and Florida (arguably) for the 2000 election, and accurately predicted Bobby Courmier's election to student body president in 8th grade), I am not confident that my prediction is likely, in the sense that there is a greater than 50% chance of its occurence.

Stockton can attest to my long held belief that this election will result in massive litigation. There is a 99% chance of this occuring, I think. Legions of lawyers are already positioned in battleground and non-battleground states for post election litigation. Lawsuits have already been filed, criminal investigations have commenced and the facts that will likely result in such suits and criminal charges are ocurring.

But what will that mean?

Well, in my rosey scenario, probably not much with respect to a Kerry victory. Kerry's electoral victory will be so great that even close results in multiple states is unlikely to unhinge the election. No guarantee here, but if Kerry carries Florida by 100,000 votes, it probably won't matter.

But in a close race, the answer is too difficult to determine. What happens if Kerry and Bush win Ohio, Wisconsin, Florida, Nevada, Iowa, Colorado, Minnesota and New Mexico by razor thin margins? This is, according to many pundits and polls, a likely result. It doesn't take a crystal ball and psychic ability to do the electoral math to determine, for Bush or Kerry, which elections need to be challenged.

May it Please the Court: I Win.

As I mentioned, lawyers are already gearing up for the election - and not all of them preparing for post-election action. Just as there are two major party candidates, there are two major party positions when it comes to voting: Democrats want to see as many people as possible vote; and Republicans want to see as few people as possible vote. This battle will be waged before (already started) and on election day, as Republicans challenge voters as they try to vote, and Democrats try to get people past the Republican watchdogs.

On election day, expect madness and chaos across the country. Republican efforts to ensure that only elligible voters vote will look an awful lot like the application of Jim Crow laws. Already, they are attempting to move polling stations and make certain that too few stations to handle the high voter turnout are set up in democratic strongholds. You can imagine how well that will go over. Election day fun will include voter intimidation on a scale I always thought unimaginable in post 70s America.

Don't Forget Your Secret Passcode

The consequence? Election results postponed until well after the day after election day. It is distinctly possible that close to 100 electoral votes will be up for grabs after the election as accusations of vote fraud fly. And don't be confused here: I'm not talking about a legal battle to determine the mechanism for recounting a states vote; I'm talking about accusations of criminal conduct on the part of state political parties, government officials, special interest groups and the surrogates of the major party candidates.

This will jeapordize the election. In mid-December the electoral votes are cast. If a state cannot determine the winner of the election, how can those votes be cast? According to Bush v. Gore (which the justices declared to be non-binding authority), the Florida state legislature intended that Florida's votes should be counted in mid-December, regardless of questions concerning the legitimacy of the count, and therefore, disputes be damned, the "official" result, regardless of how accurate, is to be counted. If this principle holds true, some result will be reported in mid-December, and we will likely know the winner at that point.

"Oh, What the Hell; Give Half to Bush and Half to Kerry"

This would be bad for the country, in my opinion. If the election is as close as I've described, and the results are disputed, forcing the issue would rightly taint the results. Without a full airing of the grievances, how can we be confident of the results of a close election? And the opposition party (particularly if they're republicans) will relentlessly pursue this line in dealing with the new administration. This could have tragic consequences, particularly if Kerry comes out on top. Remember, republicans were willing to impeach a president for fibbing about getting BJs.

I can easily imagine Denny Hastert and Bill "Cat Killer" Frist declaring Kerry legislation DOA, refusing administration appointments and forcing an informal power sharing arrangement. I can see it, because republicans are true believers - it is in their political character to believe that they know best, despite what the constitution might say. Could Bush pull an Al Gore and call upon his backers to accept the legitimacy of a Kerry Presidency? Gore's speach (which you should go re-read) legitimized Bush's presidency for many people (including me). I don't think Bush has the moral authority to do it. I think it would take a combination of statements from Bush, Cheney, Frist, Delay, Ed Gillespie, Hastert and Ashcroft for that to work. I seriously doubt it would come to pass. There will be strong holdouts (the Delay wing), and others are too stupid (Bush, Frist), too mean (Cheney, Cheney and Cheney) or too filled with conviction (Ashcroft, Gillespie) to really do it. No matter what, there will be a fairly large, if not a majority, of republicans that believe Kerry is not the president - including many in the house and a couple in the senate.

This may have one positive outcome - the creation of the Republic of Texas. (Heck, I'll give them OK, LA, AL, MS, GA (sorry, Rusty, Jen and Steve), SC and even FL.)

If Bush ends up on top, I don't know what to expect. However, democrats are usually a little better with respect to respecting the rule of law when it comes to the internal operations of government. A speach by Kerry, like the one Al Gore made in finally conceding the presidency to Bush (again, which you should all go re-read), would work. But maybe not. I, for one, would never accept Bush's presidency as legitimate in such circumstances. I understand the need for moving on - but at the same time, the thought of another stolen election, to keep the presidency in the hands of this incompetant boob, is horrifying.

(Honestly, the thought that such a large percentage of Americans is willing to vote for this guy is horrifying enough. I must be living in an alternative universe, because I can't imagine how anybody thinks that this guy has done any better as president than he did at all of his other endeavors - Yale, getting into law school, business, managing a major league baseball team, speaking in complete sentences, etc. - is unbelievable. Seriously -unbelievable. (Which may be why I would have no problem letting the Republic of Texas come into existence.) And the worst part about all this mess is that this time Daddy Bush is not there to bail out his wayward son.)

I Can't Stand It

But is there another possibility - another path?

Yes there is.

The Supreme Court could take itself out of the process, let the suits proceed and recognize that a state that fails to get its results in on time is SOL. This could result in some states not getting their electoral vote count in on time; and no candidate receiving the required majority of electoral votes.

And there is a constitutional solution. The election would be thrown to the congress.

From a pro-Kerry standpoint, this is not optimal. Chances are Kerry would lose here. By my count, republicans hold a majority in 30 congressional delegations, with four (MN, MS, TX and WI) evenly split and 16 in the hands of the democrats. So Kerry loses, and maybe we again have a president who has lost the popular vote and has attained the presidency without a popular mandate.

Will These Presidential Electors Give Up Their "Right"
To Determine Who Will Be the Next President?

But such a result is supremely better than leaving it to Antonin Scalia and the Supremes. If our electoral process is so screwed up that we can't determine the results in time to determine a president, we will have highlighted the not-so-secret and festering problem with how elections are conducted in this country. Such a consequence could spark actual reform - reform of our electoral process and of the electoral college (speaking of which; does anyone have a degree from there?). Consider this: Clinton won in 1992 and 1996 without a majority of the popular vote - although he did win the plurality. Gore beat Bush in the popular vote. In short, no president since 1988 (well before any of my children were born) has received the mandate of a majority of the voters. (But who really knows given how they do things in Florida?)

In the face of an election marred by allegations of fraud and other abuses, we may never feel comfortable with the results. Recent polling suggests that we are entering this election with those doubts already well in hand. A congressionally determined president may not be the way we like it; but in the face of allegations of vote fraud and who knows whatever else, such a president would at least have the taint of legitimacy. The constitutional process will have worked.

But God help us if it happens.

2004-10-26T05:22:00.000-07:00

BUSH-CHENEY PR MAN RESIGNS
By Stockton

In the wake of the 'Wolves' fiasco, Chief PR man for the Bush-Cheney team, Clyde Newsome, has resigned. Newsome issued a brief statement indicating that he opposed the 'Wolves' commercials and wanted the campaign to take a different route.

"I thought it was hokey and over the top," said Newsome. "When you're spending millions of dollars to lie about the opposition, you want to get it right. I wanted to go in a different direction but the President wouldn't hear about it. He was fixated on wolves."

According to Newsome, the President refused to listen to other ideas and insisted the campaign commercials use "Wolfs". Newsome said, "that's all he said. 'I want wolfs, I want wolfs."

Newsome's two ideas were immediately shot down by President Bush.

"They're coming and John Kerry can't stop them!"

"Keep your children safe from this. Re-Elect George Bush!"

2004-10-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

IF KERRY LOSES
By Stockton

As the Presidential race concludes, you may see some serious posts on LB in '04. For despite our mirth, this is the most significant election of our lifetime. That cliche is misused every election year and this might be the first year since I was eligible to vote that it's accurate. Did anyone really think a Dole Presidency in '96 would have been a calamity? A Dukakis Presidency? The result now could be.

If Kerry loses this election, please, lets forgo the recriminations. As Democrats, it may be difficult, but no recrimination is deserved.

Has Kerry run a perfect campaign? No. Does anyone run a perfect campaign? No. Has Bush made mistakes? Yes. Has Kerry? Yes. Could I ask more questions? Yes? In theory, two candidates could run perfect campaigns, hit all the high notes, and one will still suffer defeat.

The fact of the matter is, the campaigns are probably where they would have been without any Swift Boat lies or Bush's horrendous debate performance. That is, extremely close. Bush's strength lies with those who view him as a "good christian" and a "firm, resolute" leader. Those people cannot be swayed because they are inoculated against reason. Kerry's base lies with die hard Democrats and anti-Bush people. They cannot be swayed because reason has them in its grips. The undecideds? I don't who or how someone can be undecided. Secretly, I think there are less undecideds than the polls indicate. Some take a perverse pride in declaring themselves independent or undecided. As if those two positions occupy some moral high ground. Get off the high ground, join the fray. Don't be mere witnesses!

No candidate is ideal. Each of the major Democratic candidates would be in Kerry's position right now, give or take a state or two. Each had their strengths and weaknesses. Each would have benefited from the "Bush is a miserable failure" feeling among many people. Each would benefit from the bitter aftertaste of 2000.

Gephardt

Gephardt is probably the candidate most interchangeable with Kerry. Both are men with years of experience, neither has any real ethical baggage. Their resumes are impressive. Gephardt would have suffered for being something of a retread candidate, a man that had been around forever. Ironically, many believed Kerry and Gephardt would be pounded as "Washington Insiders." That attack never really flew because the Bush people began touting foreign policy experience (did the choice of Edwards take the Washington Insider theme off the table?). Gephardt could also give a damn fine stump speech. But, just where are his eyebrows?

Edwards

Yes, Edwards was charismatic, with boyish (Stockton-like) good looks, but he would have been hammered by BC-04 and the media on the gravitas issue. Fair or not, it would have happened. So, which is better, gravitas or charisma? This year, gravitas.

Edwards may have played better in the south. But, would playing better in the south translate into wins? Doubtful. Maybe Arkansas. But, would he have played well in NH or WI or PA. I dont' know, but chances are he would have had his shortcomings somewhere. Edwards has a future (perhaps as the lead in The Music Man), but I question whether he would have survived the constant "foreign policy gravitas" barrage from the media and talking heads.

Dean

I began 2003 very interested in a Dean candidacy (ask Tweed). Dean turned me off fairly quickly (as someone said, he reminded women of their first husband). He turned on many, however, and did energize the party. I shudder to think what Rove would have done with the "scream". Imagine the campaign commercials? Ugly. Yes, the "scream" was shamelessly replayed by the media. Still, a campaign that could try and portray a war hero as a traitor and a draft dodging junkie as a war hero would have gotten a lot of mileage out of the "scream". Is it right? No, just a reality.

Dean would also have suffered from a "lack of foreign policy" attacks, much like Edwards. Assuming the accuracy of some state polls, Dean would not be within striking distance in VA, NC, or WV right now. Conversely, I feel that with Dean as the candidate, MN, WI, & OR would never have been considered battle-grounds.

Clark

I can't say much about Clarke. In debates, he was weak. His stump speeches did end up sounding pretty damn good towards the end of the primaries. I think there was some raw material there to work with, just not enough time. He's the biggest question mark in my mind. It could have been a brilliant victory. It could have been a major defeat.

Lieberman

Anyone who seriously utters the word 'Joe-mentum' is not qualified to be President.

So, I question those who will say "Dean would have been better....Clarke would have been better...Gephardt would have been better." I don't see it. I don't see any significant change in where we are today if another nominee had been selected. Those who once thought only Dean could galvanize new voters are those same people highlighting new voter registration. Those who believed Dean's courageous anti-war stance would somehow be unpopular are witnessing a growing tide of people disillusioned with our foreign adventure. Those who thought Gephardt would be tarred with the "Insider" label are seeing an insider on the brink of bringing down Bush.

In the end, Dean, Gephardt, Edwards, Clarke would likely be within striking distance of Bush. Each would have stood as viable alternatives to Bush. Each would have faced the Rovian juggernaut of lies and deceit. So, in one sense, Kerry is not as important as what he, or any other Democratic candidate embodies, a rational alternative to Bush.

But, John Kerry has risen to the occasion. John Kerry has stepped up. John Kerry has endured a massive assault on his courage and his convictions. John Kerry has had to watch as a Man-Child questioned his metal and his medals. Kerry has been on a relentless pace that must be physically and emotionally exhausting. Kerry is out there, pounded by nasty attacks and under a biased media microscope.

Kerry is fighting for us as much as we are for him. If he has to fall, he will fall fighting what may be the most disasterous presidency in history. Lets not, with perfect hindsight, critically deconstruct everything the man has done in the past three months. We deserve better than Bush and John Kerry deserves better than that.

2004-10-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

ANNE GETS A LITTLE PIE
By Stockton

Tragedy was averted yesterday when columnist Anne Coulter survived an attempted assassination.

Editors Note: Folks, this is unacceptable. Even Anne Coulter should not be assaulted. In fact, she really needs therapy more than our insults. This was not a class act. Grow-up and debunk her lunacy and leave the pies at home.

2004-10-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

GOP ACCUSES GOD OF FLIP-FLOPPING
By Stockton

According to recent news reports, Pat Robertson, founder of the 700 Club warned President Bush there would be casualties in Iraq and that God was against the war. In response, the White House issued a statement assuring the American people that God had spoken to the President and had been for the Iraqi War. GOP officials have pounced on this controversy in the hopes of portraying God as a flip-flopper.

"Which is it?" asks Ed Gillespie, RNC Chairman. "God talks to both these men, both men are honest. It looks like God is trying to have it both ways."

"That's not the type of Diety we need," said Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "We need a man that is firm and resolute. You just can't trust this God."

McConnell is investigating possible sanctions against God for campaign finance law violations. "He's obviously on board with the Kerry campaign and that's something we'll have to look into." God is not registered as a 527.

Vice-President Cheney, on the campaign trail, has begun to openly criticize God's leadership. "He has a 12,765 year history of changing his positions. First, he wants to wipe us out in a flood, then he promises he will never do it again. He said he created the world in seven days, but not the Sun until the fourth day. How can you have days with no Sun? We're talking about a guy that had his own son executed."

God could not be reached for comment. A close friend did state that, "God would rather drive nails through his head than talk with either one of these twits."

2004-10-22T06:23:00.000-07:00

ART APPRECIATION FRIDAY
By Stockton

Time for some culture.

Essay Questions

1. Explain how the medium utilized by the artist helps to dictate the subject matter.

2. The primary subject is shielding his genitalia while the secondary subject is presenting him with an obvious phallic symbol. Explain what the artist wishes to convey. Does it work?

Bonus Question

If an artist disassembled George Bush into basic geometric forms, would you want to see him reassembled?

2004-10-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

BLOG UNDERGROUND

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce to you, Justin Kelly's Blog Underground (and not just because LB in '04 is mentioned).

I think Justin has come up with a great idea. There are a lot of really good amateur blogs out there, doing really fine work (Steve, Jen, Bluegrass Roots and Timshel to name just a few). These folks are covering state and local politics better than many newspapers and television stations. They deserve an audience. Good Luck, Justin.

2004-10-21T05:55:00.000-07:00

AN ELECTION NIGHT TIMELINE - STOCKTON
By Stockton

The following is one possible election night timeline for LB in '04 Editor Stockton. It is based upon a detailed analysis of the polling data and historical voting patterns as well as pure conjecture. This is only one possibility out of the many we will explore on In Search Of...

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 2ND 2004

5:30 PM - Rush out to mall after forgetting today is Mrs. Stockton's birthday

5:38 PM - Chris Matthews calls Florida for Bush

6:00 PM - Electoral Vote Tally

Bush 19 (KY & IN)
Kerry 0
Stockton lets cats out, returns to watching Seinfeld reruns

7:00PM - Electoral Vote Tally

Bush 55 (VA, SC, GA,)
Kerry 7 (VT, NH)
To Close To call - 27 (FL)

Carton of cigarettes depleted, run to store for smokes and coffee, let cats in, Matthews apologizes

7:22PM - Russert starts writing on cardboard, Stockton feeds cats and puts son to bed

7:30PM - Electoral Vote Tally

Bush 95 (NC, OH, WV)
Kerry 7
Too Close to call 27 (FL)

Stockton curses OH, throws cat at television

7:39PM - Out of cigarettes and coffee, run to store.

8:00PM - Electoral Vote Tally

Bush 179 (TN,AL,MS,TX,OK,KS,MO)
Kerry 120 (ME, CT, MA,PA,MD,DC,NJ,MI,IL)

Breaths sigh of relief, calls vet to make appointment for cat

8:30PM - Electoral Vote Tally

Bush 185 (AR)
Kerry 120

Stockton reviews Constitution to see if Arkansas can be kicked out of Union
Watch Seinfeld reruns, poke cat, cat still breathing

9:00PM - Electoral Vote Tally

Bush 224 (LA,SD,NE,WY,CO,AZ)
Kerry 180 (NY,RI,WI,MN,NM)

Breaths sigh of relief, wife pulls Stockton's head out of oven and points out we have electric stove, not gas

9:39PM - Ignore crying daughter

9:41PM - Ignore wife calling his name

9:42PM - Ignore wife calling him names

9:48PM - Reflect that IA and NV are populated with reasonable people who love their country.

9:51PM - Reflect that IA and NV hate America and Republicans will steal the election

10:00PM - Electoral Vote Tally

Bush 239 (ND, MT, ID, UT)
Kerry 192 (IA, NV)

Wakes up wife to say he promised God that if IA went to Kerry he'd move there.

10:01PM - Wife packs for him

11:00PM - Electoral Vote Tally

Bush 239
Kerry 269 (CA,OR,WA,HI)

11:01PM - Realizes it could be a tie, who votes in the House? New Congress, old Congress? Copy of Constitution already ripped up in disgust

12:00 -Electoral Vote Tally

Bush 242 (AK)
Kerry 269

12:05AM - Watch Charlie's Angels reruns

1:10AM - Florida called for Bush, lock doors and look for passport. House will vote Bush in, Senate makes Edwards Vice-President.

2004-10-21T05:28:00.000-07:00

KERRY IN A LANDSLIDE
By Stockton

In a stunning victory, Senator John F. Kerry (D-MA) easily defeated President George W. Bush in the race for the kids vote. Kerry received 57% to the President's 43%*. Kerry swept Bush in nearly every category of voter. Over one million kids voted.

Inside the Numbers

Among those who wanted a President smarterer than them:

Kerry 87%
Bush 13%

Among those who like war heroes:

Kerry 94%
Bush 6%

Among those who can pronounce nuclear correctly:

Kerry 91%
Bush 9%

Among those who believe a unilateral approach in the war in Iraq is fundementally flawed, leaving the United States exposed to a greater extent than it was during the height of the Cold War (Particularly during Kruschev's tenure as Party Chairman)

Kerry 82%
Bush 18%

Among those who prefer fudgcicles over ice cream:

Kerry 76%
Bush 24%

Among those who pee their pants when scared:

Bush 88%
Kerry 12%

Among those who hate poo-poo heads:

Kerry 93%
Bush 7%

OTHER FINDINGS

Height - 53% believe John Kerry is taller than President Bush

Education - 67% believed that Mrs. Kenney would take points off for the President's incomplete sentences

Attitude - 66% believe Mrs. Thompson would have given the President a time-out after the first debate

* can't find the percentages on Nickelodeon website. Saw result while watching Sponge Bob.

2004-10-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

TWEED'S TWO-WEEK TAKE
By Tweed (thought it would be Stockton, didn't you)

Holy Moly! It looks like we got a close one.

But maybe not. Early voting indicates that first time voters and independents are breaking heavily for Kerry. Could it be that disputed ballots in FL won't matter? NO! Because there will be dipsuted ballots in Ohio, Nevada, Pennsylvania and Oregon as well!

But perhaps not.

First, let's look at the

National Polls

As readers of LB in 04' will know, the national polls have little bearing on the race compared to the sexual proclivities of the contestants. Nonetheless, the national polls tell us some things.

In 2000, Al Gore trailed Dubya leading up to the election:

Nov.1: Bush 46%, Gore 41%; Bush 48%, Gore 46% Bush 45%, Gore 38%; Bush 48%, Gore 43%; Bush 46.7%, Gore 41.4%

Nov. 2: Bush 45%, Gore 42%; Bush 46.8%, Gore 41.8%; Bush 45%, Gore 40%; Bush 44%, Gore 43%; Bush 47%, Gore 43%

Nov. 3: Bush 45%, Gore 42%; Bush 46.4%, Gore 42.5%; Bush 49%, Gore 45%; Bush 46%, Gore 39%; Bush 48%, Gore 42%

Nov. 4: Bush 46%, Gore 42%; Bush 48%, Gore 45%; Bush 46%, Gore 37%; Bush 43%, Gore 43% (Fox News, interestingly enough); Bush 47%, Gore 43%

Nov. 5 (Sunday before Election Day): Bush 48%, Gore 43%; Bush 49%, Gore 45%; Bush 48%, Gore 41.2%; Bush 46%, Gore 44%; Bush 47%, Gore 43%; Bush 48%, Gore 45%; Bush 47%, Gore 44%; Bush 46%, Gore 44%; Bush 46%, Gore 37%; Gore 44%, Bush 41%

Only one poll of these had Gore winning the national vote - which is what Gore did. This indicates that the national polls in 2000 (most within the margin of error) gave us a pretty good take on the election - if you assume they undercounted democratic votes.

This probably holds true these days as well. In addition, Kerry has a few other factors turning his way: First, the democratic base is energized - they want to see Bush gone. Second, while a large portion of the republican base is energized (the moron wing), the socially moderate and fiscally conservative republicans (i.e. Ohians and New Hampshirites and Iowavites) probably could think of many other people they'd vote for over Bush. Third, democrats have beaten republicans in voter registration drives the last few years. (There are contrasting views on this point. A detailed NYT investigation showed the democrats had out registered republicans in Ohio and Florida by huge amounts. Today's Washington Post indicates democratic gains are not as strong as once thought.) Fourth, the independents will break for Kerry - it's tradition, and polling of early voters bears this out. Fifth, Kerry is taller than Bush. Sixth, new voters are breaking for Kerry. And finally, Bush has alienated some key constituencies from 2000.

But, as we know, a candidate can win the popular vote and lose the election (or, if you're Al Gore, win the popular vote, win the election, and watch helplessly as Antonin Scalia & Co., elevate the dimwit to the highest office in the world).

First, let's turn to

The Easy Ones

Even though this race is one of the closest we've seen in years, and the polling data is inconclusive, at best, there are some pretty easy picks:

Bush gets:

The Heart of the Confederacy: SC (8), GA (15), AL (9) and MS (6) = 38 EVs

The Republic of Texas: TX (34) and OK (7) = 41 EVs (79)

The States of Grass: KS (6), NE (5), SD (3) and ND (3) = 17 EVs (96)

Mountain States (Where the Men are Men and the Sheep are Nervous): WY (3), MT (3), ID (4) and UT (5) = 15 EVs (111)

Alaska = 3 EVs (114)

Finally, Bush gets Intuckysee = 30EVs

So, Bush starts off with a no doubt, 144EVs

Kerry gets:

California: 55 EVs

Illinois: 21 EVs

The Northeast Corridor: DC (3), MD (10), DE (3), NY (33), CT (7), RI (4), MA (12) and VT (3)

HI (4)

So, Kerry starts off with a no doubt 153 EVs

"But Tweed," you may proclaim, "isn't Louisiana a no-brainer for Bush - and what about Oregon and Washington - don't they belong to Kerry." "Absolutely," I would reply, "but it's so much more fun to drag these things out a little."

So let's take a look at the

Faux Swing-States

For Bush:

The South: NC (15), VA (13), WV (5) and LA (9) = 42 EVs

Arizona: 10 EVs

So, Bush gets another 52 EVs giving him a total of 196

For Kerry:

The Northeast: ME (4) and NJ (15) = 19 EVs

The North: MI (17) and MN (10) = 27 EVs

The Northwest: WA (11) and OR (7) = 18 EVs

So, Kerry gets another 64 EVs giving him a total of 217

This leaves us with

The Battleground States:

NH (4): A traditionally republican state that probably would have given the election to Gore if it hadn't been for The One Who Must Not Be Named. Kerry led in the polls early and has seemed to have regained his lead over Bush, who is behind in 3 of the 5 most recent polls (which include 1 tie). Northeastern republicans are becoming an endangered species, and it is doubtful the republicans will be able to hold onto NH in 2004. Kerry 221

PA (21): Polls be damned. In 2000, Gore led consistently by about 2% in the polls in PA; he ended up winning 50.6% to 46.4% with Nader picking up most of the rest. Kerry is showing even greater strength than Gore, and has a Democratic governor and billionare wife in PA. Large voter turnout, which is likely, will favor Kerry. This is Kerry's state. Kerry 242

OH (20): Ohio is the midwestern version of NH. The republicans here are fiscally conservative and a bit squeemish when it comes to legislating morality. OH has been hit hard by the economic downturn, and Edwards' "two Americas" message rings true in OH. Polls indicate that this is a true battleground state, but Kerry has been doing well in October. In addition, massive voter registration drives by Democrats in OH have far surpassed Republican efforts. Bush beat Gore by about 3.5% - and Gore gave up on the state a couple of weeks before the election. OH could be the scene of poll access problems, vote fraud and any other number of "irregularities." Nonetheless, large voter turnout, with independents and first-time voters turning to Kerry result in a Kerry win here. Kerry 262

FL (27): Like OH, a true battleground. The polls here are miraculously close, giving neither candidate an edge. Kerry gets to battle two Bushes in FL; but the Bush boys have to battle the anger of lots of voters in FL who believe that their votes didn't count in 2000. FL will be ugly (and by current reports, it already is). I believe the forces of goodness and light will ride the backs of voters in a massive voter turnout that gives Kerry a very slight edge. Kerry 289

WI (10): Who'da'thunkit? WI a battleground. Don't be so sure. The lack of the Nader factor, and large turnout help Kerry here. He'll win with room to spare. The polls are pulling his way as well. Kerry 299

IA (7): Too close than it should be. IA is a battleground, like FL and OH. But with independents breaking against the incumbent, good turnout and the effects of pretty good registration efforts by the Democrats give Kerry a slight edge. Kerry 306

MO (11): MO is returning to its status as a bellweather state. Polls show this race closer than Bush should like, and Kerry's not even running there. Even a large Kerry effort won't pull away Bush's support here, though. Bush has polled above 50% plenty of times here (unlike in FL, OH, WI and IA), and Kerry has not. This red state stays red. Bush 207

AR (6): An effort by the big dog would have put AR over the edge for Kerry long ago. As it is, some polls put this one neck and neck. A large voter turnout will help Kerry here, and although it will be close, I think Bush hangs on. Bush 213

CO (9): CO is an odd place - almost a western version of NH. Salazar will help Kerry here, but I can't believe it will be enough to put him over the top. Only a few polls put Kerry close, and while a big turnout will help also, Bush keeps this state. Bush 222 (Don't ask about the apportionment issue.)

NM (5): I don't buy that this is as close as some polls are putting it. Kerry wins, but not too comfortably. Kerry 311

NV (5): Yucca Mountain; unions. Kerry squeeks by Bush on the backs of a big turnout and Bush voters not being all that excited. Kerry 316

Kerry wins the popular vote by >1.5 million.

Tweed drinks a bottle of $200 champaigne with his New Zealand neighbor.

2004-10-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

CHENEY SAYS AMERICA MAY BE SUBJECT TO GOD'S WRATH
By Tweed

Keeping up their attacks on Senator John Kerry, the Bush campaign, through prime mover Vice President Dick Cheney, has suggested that America may suffer God's wrath if Senator Kerry is elected. These comments follow closely on the heals of Mr. Cheney's allegations that should Senator Kerry be elected, we run the risk of a nuclear attack from terrorists.

Cheney During a Meet the Press Interview

"The presidency of Senator Kerry," intoned Cheney, "will result in the destruction of our world through the will of God."

But Cheney's comments came at a time when the campaign was sending mixed messages. While Cheney was warning of global destruction, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, shedding his warrior image, talked today a great deal about the peace that is slowly coming to Iraq. "We don't want to fight. We don't want to kill. We just want everyone to get along - that's our message to the world."

Rumsfeld Looking on the Brighter Side

The dual signals from the campaign marred Bush's efforts to thwart Senator Kerry's attacks on the president regarding social security and national security; and increasing concerns that Mr. Bush is simply not capable of handling the job. The president tried an end of the day press conference to smooth over an otherwise lackluster day. Seeking to reintroduce a martial spirit in the campaign, to remind voters of who was really in charge, he shunned his patented light blue tie and dark blue suit for a military uniform supplied by Rumsfeld.

Bush, Flanked by Cheney and Rumsfeld, During a Recent Press Conference

2004-10-20T06:48:00.000-07:00

BECAUSE BLOOD IS THICKER THAN OIL
By Stockton

Six blood relatives of President Bush who support John F. Kerry's bid for the presidency have launched a website to publicize their sharp disagreements with Bush's policies.

The site, bushrelativesforkerry.com, consists of personal statements from a group of decidedly liberal second cousins of the president, none of whom knows him personally. All are grandchildren of Mary Bush House, the sister of Prescott Bush, a former US senator from Connecticut and the father and grandfather of the two Bush presidents.

The introduction to the site opens with the slogan, ''Because blood is thicker than oil!" and states: ''As the election approaches, we feel it is our responsibility to speak out about why we are voting for John Kerry, and to do our small part to help America heal from the sickness it has suffered since George Bush was appointed President in 2000. We invite you to read our stories, and please, don't vote for our cousin!"

2004-10-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

MARY CHENEY OUTTED; SHE'S DICK CHENEY'S DAUGHTER
By Stockton

In the third and final Presidential Debate in Tempe Arizona, Democrat John Kerry 'outted' Mary Cheney. Mary Cheney, a lesbian who runs BC-04's outreach program to the gay and lesbian community, is actually Vice-President Dick Cheney's daughter. Mary Cheney could not be reached for comment but some close friends did talk about the incident.

"She wasn't ready for people to know this," said longtime friend Bill Castano. "Everyone has embarrassing things in their lives and I don't think it was right for Kerry to mention it. People don't need to know Mary is the Vice-President's daughter."

"It was wrong," said high school chum, Mildred Pierce. "If you dig around in anyone's past you'll find something. She's just trying to live her life and now this albatross is slung around her neck."

"She's still a good person," said Phil Manners, a co-worker. "She took on the toughest job in the entire campaign. It's not easy to bring queers into the Bush - Cheney camp. It's a bit like a Jew leading other Jews to the trains. Who her father is should be a non-issue."

In an effort to bring more gays and lesbians into Republican politics, Ms. Cheney has organized a number of 'mixers' that allow longtime GOPer's and gays and lesbians to get to know one another. According to friends, Ms. Cheney's ultimate goal is to make it easier for gays and lesbians to become American citizens.

2004-10-19T14:11:00.000-07:00

O'REILLY SCRAPS CHILDREN'S BOOK TOUR
By Stockton

In the wake of masturbating over the phone with a vibrator, Fox's Bill O'Reilly has canceled a planned children's book tour.

O'Reilly apoligized to the book stores for the late cancellation.

"We're disappointed," said Lee Ashton, owner of 'Take a Walk on the Wild Side', a New York City book store. "We already ordered hundreds of 'Whose Looking Out for Me vibrators'. What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

"Bill called me personally," said Tamara Wilks, owner of Porn to Be Wild, a Cleveland book store, "which was very nice. But I couldn't hear him to well. He was all out of breath and there was a buzzing sound in the background."

The book tour has not been rescheduled.

2004-10-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

TUCKER CARLSON LIKES BEING STEWART'S BITCH
By Stockton

Tucker Carlson, co-host of CNN's Crossfire, appears to embrace being John Stewart's bitch. Not content with being made a fool of, Carlson is going back for more.

The bow-tie wearing submissive hopes the fued continues because, "I've been a naughty, naughty boy. I need John to punish me again!"

2004-10-19T07:52:00.000-07:00

THE STATE OF THE RACE - OCTOBER 19, 2004
Editorial

Stockton's take

Rarely is the question asked, where does the Presidential Race stand on October 19, 2004? It's lucky you tuned in to LB in '04 because we have the answer.

As of today, John Kerry needs 270 Electoral Votes to be President of the United States. Coincidentally, George Bush needs the same number of Electoral Votes. That must have taken years of planning.

The Popular Vote

Polls indicate the popular vote is a dead heat. Kerry up by 2, Bush up by 3, tied, Kerry down 1. With margins of error in the 4.5% range, these are relatively meaningless. Add to that the fact that there is tremendous interest in this election and voter registration is up, the national polls become even more meaningless. Don't get too excited if Kerry's up or too despondent when Kerry's down.

Further, the presidential race is not a national race; it's 50 state races. In theory, a candidate could win the White House by getting one more vote in 17 or 18 states than the other candidate while getting no votes in the remaining states. We exaggerate to make a point. This is math. That's all it is, with 270 being the magic number.

What Has to Happen for the Forces of Good to Prevail?

We're glad you asked. Lets start with the proposition that Kerry has the Gore States and Bush the Bush states. Kerry needs to scrape up 10 more EC's. The most obvious strategy is to fight for Florida and Ohio. A win in one will put him over the top.

But wait! Kerry, you say, hasn't pinned down all the Gore states. Battlegrounds include WI, MN, NM, IA. First of all, if you really think Bush can take MN, you should go home now. There is no way that Kerry is going to win FL and/or OH and not take MN.

Now, take a deep breath and relax. The states Kerry will carry (and you can bank this) are:

ME, VT, MA, RI, CT, NY,MD, DC, DE, IL, WA, OR, HI, CA =175 ECV's

That's my extremely conservative prognosis. I say that because I have no doubt that Kerry will win the four states that follow. However, lets be cautious. Kerry will very likely win the following:

PA, MN, NJ, MI =238 ECV's

So, the magic number is 32. Just where do we find these elusive 32 Electoral College votes. Unlike Republicans, we can't steal them so we'll have to earn them. The obvious place to mine these votes is OH and FL. Duh! Taking both OH and FL puts Kerry well over the top (286 ECV's). But we can't count on Kerry taking all the biggest states (minus TX) in such a supposedly close election.

If Kerry takes FL, he'll have 265 ECV's, 5 shy of our magic number. Taking FL is the best scenerio because any number of states will put him over the top; WI, IA, NM, NV, WV.

If Kerry loses FL and takes OH, he'll be at 259 ECV's. Realistically, he'll need two more states. WI + any state (IA, NM, NV, WV) or IA + any state (WI, NM, NV, WV).

But what happens if Kerry loses OH and FL? Is it over? Realistically, yes. If that happens, it's Hail Mary time. Kerry supporters will have to hope for WI, IA, NM, NV, WV. That's a lot of hoping in such a close contest. And lets be realistic: WV is going for Bush. Therefore, Kerry must carry FL or OH.

The Most Important State

This brings us to what I consider the most important state: NH. Little New Hampshire with four Electoral Votes. Why is it so important? Because of ME. Under these scenerios, we have Kerry winning when he wins certain states. If those combinations of states add up to 270, Kerry may still lose. One of Maine's ECV's may go to Bush due to the way ME divides ECV's. So, if your just using the EC map and looking at states, two things become apparent. If you're giving Kerry all of ME's 4 ECV's and coming up with 270 ECV's, he will lose if Bush splits the ME vote. It's not certain that Bush will gain that single ECV, but it's something to look for.

NH becomes important if Kerry wins FL but loses IA and WI. If that happens, he'll need to win either NV or NM, both real possibilities. Still, that only gets him to 269 votes (subtracting 1 vote from ME). NH can be the trump card, giving him 273 ECV's.

If Kerry wins OH and WI, NH puts him over the top. If Kerry wins OH and IA, NH + either NV or NM puts him over the top. These are all realistic scenerios.

Kerry will not win AR, CO, VA, AZ. If those states play in your conception of a Kerry win, you're hanging on a wing and a prayer. I also believe, no matter how close MO seems, ultimately it will tip to Bush.

Conclusion

If, on election night, you see NH going to Kerry (which I believe will happen), he's very much in the game. If he takes FL or OH, he's looking good. If he takes both, run outside and howl at the moon (something I usually do but will now have a reason for doing).

If Kerry loses NH, OH, FL, only the Kool-Aid drinkers will believe the long national nightmare could still be ending. Could Kerry lose all three and still win? Yes. Anything is possible. Little George Bush's might fly out of my ass tomorrow, but I'm not betting on it.

Personally, I'd watch NH and OH. I have a hard time believing that Kerry will win NH and OH and lose IA and Wisconsin.

2004-10-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

NAVY ATTIRE
By Tweed

In a move we at LB in 04' whole-heartedly endorese, the US Navy is now making skirts optional for its female members. In addition, new Naval regulations will require pink bottoms for all female enlistees:

And female Naval officers will be required to wear a more streamlined pant-suit, in either black or white, modeled here by Ensigns Niva and Brandi:

For men, an array of options are available (facial hair optional):

2004-10-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

GIVE TO ME YOUR LEATHER, TAKE FROM ME MY LACEPETE COORS IN '04 'BECAUSE CANADA NEEDS MOREHOMO-EROTIC FESTIVALS

2004-10-18T12:42:00.000-07:00

MAKE SURE YOU CHECK THIS OUT
Editors

The traitors over at DogFight04 have highlighted an important piece by Ron Suskind. I urge you to read it, memorize it and then eat the evidence. If you choose to accept this mission and are captured, we will disavow all knowledge of your activities. Also, while you're over there, give DF04 a shot. It's damn fine and we wish it had been around long before it appeared.

2004-10-18T05:50:00.000-07:00

TAKE COVER - IMPLOSION ON YOUR RIGHT
Editorial

The Editors of LB in '04 urge our readers to find a safe place to take cover. The Rightwing seems to be imploding (or maybe exploding, it's hard to tell).

Where to start. Lets begin with the easy stuff.

The God Fearing Party has once again nominated, at the very least, an ex-junkie for President and a two-time (at least) DWI offender for Vice-President. But, this is too easy. We all know about these two guys.

There's one of our all-time favorites, failed Illinois Senate Candidate, Jack Ryan. Mr. Ryan wanted to have sex with his wife (good) in front of other people (bad). They replaced him with Alan Keyes, a Marylander, who accused Mrs. Clinton of being a Carpetbagger.

The GOP also nominated James L. Hart for Congress in the Tennessee 8th. Mr. Hart is an interesting man.

Lets not forget about Coburn, the GOP Senate candidate in Oklohoma. He's worried about all three lesbians in Oklahoma running loose in the schools.

Pete Coors, running for Senate in Colorado is a proud conservative, against gay marriage but for ...the Black & Blue 2004 Festival in Montreal, a weeklong gay benefit"--that begins tonight-- that attracts up to 80,000 people to events such as the Leather Rail, Raunch Fetish Night and a male nude revue. ...Coors Light is one of two free beers that will be served at the official launch cocktail party.

He's also concerned about North Dakota for some reason.

MR. COORS: This is a war on terror. And this is a--we can say "weapons of mass destruction," "no weapons of mass destruction"; clearly, we should be more worried today, actually, about Iran and North Dakota

Then, there's Senator Bunning of Kentucky. Increasingly, he's acting like everyone's favorite uncle. The one you hide in the attic when you have company.

One of the Right's biggest douchebags is a junkie and the other likes to sexually harass employees.

Finally, two oldies but goodies. If you Yahoo "Santorum" & "bestiality", you'll receive over 4,000 hits (by comparison, if you Yahoo "Tweed" + "Bestiality" you only get 2,221 hits). And what was it with Senator Cornyn and those damn box turtles.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Your Family Values Party!

2004-10-15T07:48:00.000-07:00

O'REILLY TO SEEK ILLINOIS SENATE SEAT
By Tweed

TV personality Bill O'Reilly, host of Faux News' "The Factor," is seeking the republican nomination for the Illinois senate.

"Mr. O Reilly is announcing that he is seeking the republican nomination for the Illinois Senate," said O'Reilly spokesperson Honey Chile. "He's very excited about this race, and is ready to pick up where Jack Ryan left off."

O'Reilly Spokeswoman Just Before the Announcement

The announcement set off a series of accusations, attacks and comments from all quarters. "I can't believe the impertinence of this man," said current republican candidate Alan Keyes, "the good people of Chicago and Springfield and Gary don't need no carpetbagger from the east coast as their candidate!"

Keyes Upon Hearing the Announcement

For his part, O'Reilly tried to calm the waters: "Look; it's not like I don't like the guy - I do. I think he's an honorable man. But he's polling - what - like, negative 10%. I'm what the Illinois republican party is after." O'Reilly related his candidacy directly to Jack Ryan's failed candidacy: "I'm gonna pick up where he left off - but I promise, my sexual escapades will be limited, exclusively to Illinois - except for the phone sex. I know this girl in mid-town - well anyway I'll be in Illinois. And I'm proud to have members of Ryan's staff joining me in my bid."

"Yeah, I got the call yesterday," said Susan Spartman of Chicago. "I wouldn't go with Keyes - that whole moralizing thing - but when O'Reilly's people called, I knew he was my guy."

Spartman worked fory Ryan: Now She's on O'Reilly's Team

Other republicans weighed in as well, arguing that O'Reilly would bring the party back to its "traditional values" platform. "This party had its roots in the progressive movement," said Shirley Moore, the Deputy Chairperson of the state GOP Committee. "We need to return to that spirit and return to the direction Ryan had us moving in. We need to attract new members, teach them that being a republican can be fun, that being tied to a firm foundation, and suffering the abuse of a domineering partner can be amazingly liberating. I think his campaign should go by the All Thrust Zone."

Moore: "Can't Wait to Meet O'Reilly."

Some in the Keyes campaign argued that O'Reilly was a "Johnny Come Lately." O'Reilly's response: "Yeah I have."

"Look, the truth is, I'm gonna get the job done," said O'Reilly. "I have a plan that will get us where we need to be, and I had this diagram made up so that everyone can see it. Now no one can say I'm just a horny guy who's famous. Here - here's the diagram:"

Experts Are Unsure of the Dimensions of O'Reilly's Plan

"My experts assure me it will work," said O'Reilly.

LB editors were fortunate enough to interview Nina Santa Maria, one of the architects of O'Reilly's plan, who strongly defended O'Reilly's plan:

LB in 04: Ms. Santa Maria, can this plan work as a stimulus?

Santa Maria: Umphhhf mgrhrhr mfflle ahmmffufffmmm. Urrrh grrrrrr frfflllffff mmrrrrffhfffuf fhmm fhf mmfmmf.

LB in 04': Fascinating. But will it excite other members of congress?

Santa Maria: Mmmmmfffllf aaaahahahrrrrgg gguhmmm dffiifiifllm.

LB in 04': And in that way you help to defeat the flacidity?

Santa Maria: Yyyyhhhhhhffff!

O'Reilly's Expert Weighs In

Democrat, Barack Obama, the clear favorite in the race. Seemed unconcerned about his opponents. "Tell you what," said Obama. "Let them both run, multiply their results by 2, and add them together and I bet I still win."

Obama Reacts to the Announcement

2004-10-15T05:50:00.000-07:00

WHY WE'RE DEMOCRATS #77

2004-10-15T05:38:00.000-07:00

ANOTHER FAMOUS REPUBLICAN NAME ENDORSES KERRY
By Stockton

Following in the footsteps of Dwight Eisenhower's son, Theodore Roosevelt's grandaughter, Edith Roosevelt Williams, has endorsed Senator John F. Kerry.

Republicanism runs in the blood of Edith Roosevelt Williams of Vashon Island. The granddaughter of President Theodore Roosevelt served as honorary chairwoman of Sen. John McCain's 2000 presidential campaign in Washington.

"Whoever is the conservationist candidate is my choice," Williams said by phone last week. "In the presidential race, that would appear to be Mr. Kerry."

However, not to be outdone, President Bush has collected his own endorsements from the scions of past Presidents.

"I whole-heartedly endorse George Bush for President. Mostly because he's making my grandfather look really good right about now." - Herbert Hoover III

"Ditto." - Dorothy Harding Stanton

"I didn't know Mary Cheney was a lesbian. How come I didn't know?" - Jeb Bush

2004-10-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

WHO DO YOU WANT LEADING THE FIGHT AGAINST TERRORISTS?

2004-10-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

GOP CRIES FOUL: KERRY BIASED AGAINST BUSH
By Stockton

After watching President Bush lose three debates to Senator John Kerry, the Republican Party is finally ready to attack. Starting next Monday, the RNC plans to began an advertisement campaign that attacks Senator Kerry for being biased against President Bush and the Republican agenda.

"These debates have been a joke," said Ed Gillespie, the soon to be former Chair of the RNC. "Kerry is clearly a Democrat and his bias towards that party is unmistakable. He hasn't given the President any credit for anything. I'm sure they have disagreements, but Kerry is obviously in the pocket of the Democrats."

Other agreed. Rick Santorum (R-PA) said, "Kerry is so transparent. It's obvious he wants the President's job. Why doesn't he just admit it?"

Arlen Specter (R-PA) was less critical of Kerry but still disappointed. "The Senator from Massachusetts has been very good at explaining where he stands on the issues, but where's the balance. Why doesn't he talk about where the President wants to lead the country and the good things the President has done. He'd get much more respect if he was even-handed about these things."

A new poll reflects that the GOP might be on to something. In a recent Zogby poll, 63% of voters believed Kerry was biased against Bush. The remaining 35% said Kerry was only critical of Bush because the senator wanted to be President. Two percent of respondants told Zogby to fuck-off.

2004-10-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

I'M VOTING FOR BUSH
By Tweed

Bush gave a remarkable performance last night, and I'm voting for him. The only to keep me from voting for him would be if I found out he lied about never having said he wasn't concerned about bin Laden.

And all that stuff about being a Christian - I know you think it may be bunk, but I've got proof the President forgives and forgets:

How can you not feel safe:

2004-10-14T05:51:00.000-07:00

DEBATE: BUSH BLINKING INTENTIONAL
By Stockton

As President Bush lost the third and final debate, critics speculated as to the cause of the President's incessant blinking during the bout. A wide range of theories have been voiced. Some suggest the President suffers from a type of dry-drunk dementia. Others suggest the leader of the free world suffers from a type of dry-junkie dementia. The theories, while intriguing, are wrong according to Commander Henry Perry of the USN Signalman Corp.

"He blinking code," said Commander Perry.

Perry inadvertently stumbled across his theory while watching the second debate. "My eyes began to glaze over whenever President Bush spoke. I tuned him out but was almost hypnotized by his rapid blinking."

Bush, seen here in debate prep, is not blinking

"I began to see a pattern form. I looked at my wife as said, 'Did he just say, Abort...Karl...Abort...Get...Me....Out...'? My wife said, 'No, he just said, working hard at the hard work'.

Perry ran to get a pen and some paper and began jotting down what the President was blinking. "Here it is," said Perry. "It's a bit freaky."

WHAT THE PRESIDENT WAS "BLINKING"

9:01 "Karl...moderator...not...Bernie...Shaw...where's....Bernie?"

9:02 "Is...it...over?"

9:10 "Kerry...tall...I...should...be...tall..."

9:32 "Can...you...smell...that?"

9:55 "JK...thinks...he's...so...smart"

9:57 "Edgucashun...Edgucashen"

10:02 "Can...you...smell...that?"

10:06 "Make...it...stop...Karl"

10:07 "That...was...just...a...regular....blink"

10:10 "Karl....Karen...fucking...fired"

10:18 "Farts...are...funny..."

10:20 "Me...kicked...ass"

Republicans hope that Perry's theory lays to rest any lingering doubts as to the President's mental health. Others worry that the Presidential blinking will turn off undecided voters. "I wish we could go back to the days of Bush landing on Aircraft Carriers," said Sonny Williams, a long-time Bush aid. "Those were good days."

Bush, after landing on carrier. Happier days

2004-10-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

THE FOLLOWING ITEMS ARE SOLD OUT
The Editors

THE O'REILLY NO-SPIN SEX CHAIR

THE WHOSE LOOKING OUT FOR YOU VIBRATOR(batteries not included)

2004-10-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

SHOCKTOBER SURPRISE
By Tweed

Republicans are following up on a Karl Rove's warning of October surprises through a series of events aimed at taking down Senator John Kerry and bolstering the President's base.

First on the list is the forced television broadcast release of a hastily created film condemning Senator Kerry's anti-war activities after his service in Vietnam by Sinclair Broadcasting Group. Sinclair also intends to show Birth of a Nation and Triumph of the Will, non-stop during the week leading up to election day.

You may recall that this television company, Sinclair, is full of huge Bush fans, and really loyal LB in 04' readers will remember this April post:

"FACTS NOT IN PUBLIC INTEREST"
By Stockton

Presidential surrogate, Sinclair Broadcast Group, has decided not to air a Nightline program because it will disclose names and photographs of US soldiers killed in Iraq. The general counsel to Sinclair, whose executives are major financial backers of Bush, stated that disclosing such information is "not in the public interest. "Huh? Since when are facts not in the public interest?We're confused about Sinclair's position. Either Sinclair supports the President's policies and wants to hide the consequences of his policies, or they are ashamed of President Bush and want to hide the consequences of his policies. Please contact Sinclair and find out which:
Contact Sinclair by phone: 410/568-1500 or by fax: 410/568-1533 (fax). In any event, Sinclair does not want the American public to know the names and faces of those of us who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

But that's not all the republicans have going on. "We're going to get out the base," said republican strategist, Arch Stanton, "and we're going to have fun doing it at regional events we're calling "Octoberfest in Dixie."" Republicans are aiming these events at social conservatives in the hopes of energizing their participation in the 2004 election.

"We're planning on having some great activities - we're going to burn copies of Clinton's memoirs,

"Give speeches about how great we are,

"Pray

"Have a parade

"And help get the youth vote out.

"We're very excited!"

2004-10-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

JEN'S PORTRAYAL
Editors

After we received Jen's complaint about the hairstyle of the model we used to portray her in our tribute to our friends, we thought the whole thing would blow over.

But Noooooooooo!

She's friggin' sending us emails about this! And pictures of Jeniffer Garner - "hey, that's who I want to be me"!

So, rather than contend with Jen's . . . obsession with this, we decided to go with the picture she sent to us.

Unfortunately, a number of things hampered us in this project. First, we couldn't figure out how to cut and paste the picture into our site. Stockton suggest some computer mumbo jumbo, and Tweed wanted to use scissors and tape.

Neither worked.

So we decided to find the picture some other way. No luck - can't find it anywhere else than from whence Jen emailed it to us. So now we've got to find another picture that will make Jen happy.

Stockton would have called Ms. Garner directly but is prohibited from doing so by a silly TRO (one man's wooing is another man's stalking).

Big Problems.

You see, we figured we'd find another great pictures which we could use to portray Jen and at the same time, give you Reason #76 of Why We're Democrats. But we ran into problems.

First, we've got to find a picture of Ms. Garner with her hair up to Ms. Good Intention's standards. Think about this site for a minute. Do you really think we're equiped to know what good hair looks like?

Second, we've got to find a picture that conveys - at the same time, mind you - "want to have sex with her" and "too afraid she'd kill me if I tried to have sex with her."

Well, all of this got us going in circles and confused, and gave us headaches and heartburn, and made us feel like even bigger idiots than we normally feel like.

We finally came down to two pictures, and just couldn't decide which one worked the best. Nonetheless, we're pretty sure, we think, we've got the right pictures.

So, Jen, take your pick:

Here it is: Reason #76 Why We're Democrats and Jen All in One:

Or:

So Jen, choose wisely.

2004-10-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

LESBIANS RUN AMOK IN OKLAHOMA SCHOOLS
By Stockton

The Republican Senate candidate in Oklahoma warns of "rampant" lesbianism in some schools in the state in a tape released Monday by his Democratic opponent.

The remark by Republican Tom Coburn drew a skeptical response from state educators.
"I don't believe that," said Keith Ballard, executive director of the Oklahoma State School Boards Association. He said the group's attorneys "haven't said anything to me about that."
In the tape released by the campaign of Brad Carson, the Democratic candidate, Coburn says a campaign worker from Coalgate told him that "lesbianism is so rampant in some of the schools in southeast Oklahoma that they'll only let one girl go to the bathroom. Now think about it. Think about that issue. How is it that that's happened to us?"

Joe McCulley, school superintendent in Coalgate, chuckled when asked about Coburn's remark.

"He knows something I don't know. We have not identified anything like that. We have not had to deal with any issues on that subject -- ever," McCulley said.

"It's terrible," said Dwight White, Principal of Rosie O'Donnell High School. "Lesbians are roaming the halls and the parkinglots. They're forcing tune-ups and oil changes on the students that drive. Some have demanded we start a girls Golf Team."

Since the charge has been levied by Republican Senate candidate Coburn, attendance at Oklahoma high schools has risen to 98%.

Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, has threatened to send troops into Oklahoma if the instability continues. "We have to protect our borders," said Perry in a statement yesterday as he mobilized the Texas National Guard. "The situation in Oklahoma is a direct threat to the good people of Texas." Texas currently has 250 "advisors" stationed in Oklahoma.

A stunned Oklahomian hears Coburns news

2004-10-12T05:55:00.000-07:00

DEFECTIVE CARS MAKE IRAQ UNSTABLE
By Stockton

After an exhaustive study, the Bush Administration has determined that there is little or no terrorist violence in Iraq, just defective automobiles.

In a press release, the Administration noted that the car bombings, once thought to be the work of terrorists are, in fact, the result of defective automobiles.

"It's a bit of a relief," said Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary. "We knew this Iraq thing was going to work but the violence was such a surprise. Now we know better. It's defective cars. They're exploding all over Iraq."

"It certainly makes me feel better," said L. Paul Bremer, former Gauleiter of Iraq. "I thought I had messed up. I thought we needed more ground troops. We just needed more personal injury attorneys. Most of these cars are probably manufactured in France."

With this revealation, the pressure now mounts on Iraq's infant civil law system. The question is: Can the new courts handle the massive products liability claims sure to be filed in the next few months?

"I have no idea," says Ramhal ibn-Ibin, Judical Administrator. "We don't know much about western tort law. Up until now, if someone injured you, your family had the option to confiscate the offending man's daughter or to have the man torn apart by wild dogs. This is all so new for us."

According to automotive design engineers, the most common problem with Iraqi cars is the thickness of the steel surrounding the gas tank. "It's too thin," says Gilbert Hobart, chief designer of GM. "When it gets damaged, say by a bouncing rock or by a bump in the road, it can explode quite easily." Hobart also notes that tons of TNT placed in the vehicles trunk may also cause problems if detonated.

As the number of vehicles in Iraq steadily diminished (from 13.8 million in 2003 to 122 in 2004), Iraqi's are confident the elections will proceed as scheduled.

2004-10-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

Goodbye, and thank you, Superman.

Christopher Reeve 1952-2004

2004-10-11T08:36:00.000-07:00

ELECTION ANALYSIS:
THE COLORADO SENATE RACE
By Tweed

Colorado, of all places, could be the key to the presidential election. Colorado was solid Bush last time around; but this election cycle includes a senate race pitching beer magnate Can of Beer against the latino attorney general, Ken Salazar. Early on, speculators thought Salazar may have a shot at winning in this western state. Surprisingly, Colorado has turned into a presidential swing state, despite virtually no effort there by JFK. And Salazar and Can of Beer are tied in the most recent poll of the senate race. So, what's going on in the Colorado state, and what does it tell us about the presidential election?

Considering that I've lived practically my entire life in a combination of New York, Massachusetts, Connecticut and Virginia, I figured I'd have a pretty tough time giving you an analysis.

Then I saw Salazar and Can of Beer on Meet the Press. Trascript here.

In many ways, the Colorado Senate race falls into the familiar pattern of the 2000 presidential campaign - but without the charisma. It's 2000-lite.

Salazar is clearly a bright man; and he has a long record of public service. He is a thinking man; someone who believes we must keep a constant vigil to ensure our safety:

I think that what Senator Lugar and Senator McCain and others have done in
questioning what is happening and raising tough questions is the appropriate
thing that we're going to do if, as a nation, we are going to honor that most
solemn obligation that we have as national leaders and that is to protect the
homeland.

In a similar vein, he uses a great line of attack against Can of Beer, saying that he would be nothing more than a rubber stamp for the Bush administration.

Unfortunately, Ken Salazar looks like this:

Yes, . . . it's a box turtle.

I just couldn't get the image out of my mind.

But what about Can of Beer?

Can of Beer appears to fit the George Bush mold of politician - he's got a well known name and lots of money. In fact, Can of Beer is probably a mixture of two recent republican candidates for the presidency: George Bush and Steve Forbes. They took half of Bush's intellect and half of Forbes' charisma and created Can of Beer. I'd call this guy a half-wit but I don't want to be rude to all the half-wits out there.

In the past we at LB in 04' were unkind to Can of Beer. Thinking in retrospect, I'm glad we were. In fact, I'm disappointed that we were not more rude to Can of Beer.

Less. . . . well. . . less everything

This guy did little more than parrot back to Russert key Republican catch phrases. And his lame defense of his anti-gay agenda in light of his company's support of various gay events (including nude revues and fetish nights) was down-right laughable.

When I looked into his vacuous eyes, my immediate thought was that I should quit drinking.

But I don't want to go to extremes.

After all, Can of Beer's company's values are Colorado values:

VOTE BOX TURTLE, COLORADO!

2004-10-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

LETS DO AWAY WITH COLUMBUS DAY
Editorial

Sure, as children we all loved Columbus Day. It created a long weekend after just a mind-numbing month of school. As adults however, our perpectives change. When we investigate the man we celebrate, we now have to wonder, why do we insist on celebrating a mercenary that unleashed untold horrors upon the population of North America.

Christopher Columbus is responsible for some of the greatest tragedies the North American continent has ever witnessed. If you're squeamish, stop here. The pictures below are graphic and not for those with weak stomachs.

These are just two of the tragedies wrote by director Chris Columbus. Isn't it about time we expose this monster rather than honoring him?

The views expressed by this editorial are the opinions of the editors and do not represent the opinions of the editors

2004-10-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

BUSH'S ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEM
By Stockton

Last night's debate did prove one thing: President Bush has a serious anger management problem. LB in '04 contacted the world's most eminent anger expert and got this exclusive telephone interview.

LB: Mr. Simpson, thank you for speaking with us.

Simpson: Yeh, no problem. I needed a break from finding Nicole's killer anyways.

LB: You seem to spend a lot of time on golf courses?

Simpson: That because we have reason to believe Nicole's killer is an avid golfer.

LB: That sounds about right. Now, what did you see last night during the debate?

Simpson: I saw a man, Bush, besieged. I saw a man that loves his country. He loves it so much that it drives him crazy sometimes.

LB: Do you think the country is in any immediate danger from being loved by the President?

Simpson: I don't think he'd hurt the country, not intentionally. Not even if he came to his country's house one night and saw his country with another man 'cause he might find out later that the man was just returning the country's glasses or something.

LB: What?

Simpson: Sometimes things get to a man. What I saw last night was pressure on the man, Bush. He takes heat from all sides. Some don't like the fact that he's not the same race as his country. Then he sees his country with someone of the same race....it gets a guy angry.

LB: Do you want your lawyer here?

Simpson: Fuck you, man. It's called double jeopardy (background: "Put it down, OJ, put that...inaudible...down!".

LB: Do you suspect he's angry at home?

Simpson: Hell yeh, you bet your....I mean, probably somewhat angry. You always hurt the one's you love, man. (background: "Get your ass back in....inaudible...bitch!") He can deal with it, though. He must know some good lawyers.

LB: Any advice on how to deal with that anger?

Simpson: I don't know nothing 'bout that. I have a friend though, and he says sometimes you just gotta get it out of your system. You know, just blow up and get rid of that shit. It eats you up man and it's eating Bush up right now. He got that tale blond bitch nagging him about Iraq and the economy, seeing other people and he just loves that guy so much it hurts man, it hurts...

LB: Mr. Simpson...

Simpson: And Bush's movie career aint getting nowhere, bills piling up and his first wife breathing down his neck about the kids and Kerry's friend living in the guesthouse...

LB: Mr. Simpson....

Simpson: Not paying rent and all that shit just...

LB: click.

Simpson: Just piles up man...shit yeh, he's angry. Kerry didn't win no Heisman man....

2004-10-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

A PRE-ELECTION THANKS TO OUR READER(S)
Editors

We'd like to take time now to thank our blog allies and reader(s) for patronizing Lickin' Bush in '04. Thank you. We appreciate your support even though we believe it is evidence of a severe emotional problem.

No matter the outcome on November 2, 2004, we feel we've made some friends all over this country. Not enough to outweigh the enemies we've made, but what are you going to do? Your palpable loathing for George Bush and the Right-Wing has also rekindled a small flame of hope for our country. We thank you now because on the off-chance Bush wins, we'll be too busy trying to avoid house arrest and/or the proscription lists. So here's to all the Bush Lickers, God Bless and good luck if things go south. And here are some of those who have been with us the longest. We thought you might like to see what they look like:

Shelley

Blue Grass Roots

Steve

Jen

Rusty

Timshel

And Your Hosts, Stockton & Tweed

2004-10-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

THIRD TIME'S A . . . I MEAN. . . FOURTH TIME'S A CHARM
By Tweed

Republican House leaders were giddy with excitement yesterday after the House ethics committee admonished Tom Delay a record breaking fourth time, and a second time in the period of one week. "Unbelieveably, fantasmagorically A-1 production," said Representative Deborah Pryce, Chairwoman of the House Republican Conference. "I'm so thrilled to have him on our team that I get all tingly in my naughty areas."

Republican leaders spoke high praise of Delay, and were quick to admonish Democratic leaders for questioning Delay's fitness as Republican leader of the House. "What the heck do they care," said Republican Nancy Johnson. "Delay is our spiritual leader - our Maharishi, if you will. The thought of our leadership without Delay is like the thought of going to a family reunion and not meeting your nephew/cousin, or your sister/cousin," said Jeb Hensarling, R-Texas.

Republican constituents seemed to have a similar reaction. Impromptu gatherings of Delay supporters marked the day. And some, organized by Republicans became a bit boisterous, although most were peaceful.

Republicans Gather to Support Delay

Cleatus Yokum of Turnbalahoo Mississippi commented that "Don't care a snake-skins worth bout that. Tweren't fer Bush, Delay and them other Publicans, Iraq and bin Laden woulda bin marchin' up river by now, just a-killin' an a-raisin' hell."

Kim Coopersmith, of Encino California, also expressed support for Delay. "Well, I saw Nancy Pelosi on TV talking about this and I saw Tom Delay on TV talking about this and, well, I'm not gay, so. . . you know, I'm for Delay."

2004-10-08T05:26:00.000-07:00

BAGHDAD HOTEL RESIDENTS GIVE BUSH EDGE ON SECURITY ISSUES
By Stockton

In a recent poll, the occupants of the Baghdad Hotel prefer President Bush over John Kerry by a margin of almost two-to-one. The decisive factor in their decision was terrorism and safety. When asked who would do a better job of keeping them safe, 60% of the respondents thought President Bush would do a better job, 20% said John Kerry, while Ralph Nader and Saddam Hussein each received 10%.*

"I just feel safer with President Bush," said Yusef Hamid, as he rummaged through his room looking for sterile bandages. "This Kerry, will he help me get sandbags to protect my room? Will he hire people to collect arms and legs after explosions so the neighborhood doesn't look like Beirut?"

Presidential Suite - Baghdad Hotel, Baghdad Iraq

Hamid is not alone in his feelings. A visit to the hotel's infirmary revealed dozens of Bush supporters, terrified at the prospect of a Kerry Presidency. "I've already lost three limbs," said Kamil "Dubya" Zirqua. "I don't want to lose a fourth. Viva la Bush!"

When it comes to security, Bush is their man.

* Because every participant of this poll was later killed, daily tracking polls will not be available.

2004-10-08T02:39:00.000-07:00

GET OUT THE VOTE TIPS
By Stockton

1. I was the office manager for a successful congressional campaign in upstate New York. One thing we did was provide transportation for elderly voters. If you can be off work on November 2, call your local Democratic Headquarters and volunteer to drive people to the polls.

2. Go out on November 2, find street people and pay them a few dollars to vote for Kerry.

3. Register to vote in as many counties as possible. It's fun and it's free.

4. Make sure everything you do for the campaign is ethical and above reproach.

5. If you can get your brother elected governor of your state between now and November 2, that could help alot.

2004-10-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

BUSH: "I SHOULD HAVE LOOKED INTO HIS SOUL"
LB in '04 Foreign Desk

France Was Ready to Send Troops to Iraq, Book Says
By Glenn KesslerWashington Post Staff Writer
Wednesday, October 6, 2004; Page A18

French officials were prepared to provide as many as 15,000 troops for an invasion of Iraq before relations soured between the Bush administration and the French government over the timing of an attack, according to a new book published in France this week.

The book, "Chirac Contre Bush: L'Autre Guerre" ("Chirac vs. Bush: The Other War"), reports that a French general, Jean Patrick Gaviard, visited the Pentagon to meet with Central Command staff on Dec. 16, 2002 -- three months before the war began -- to discuss a French contribution of 10,000 to 15,000 troops and to negotiate landing and docking rights for French jets and ships.

French military officials were especially interested in joining in an attack, because they felt that not participating with the United States in a major war would leave French forces unprepared for future conflicts, according to Thomas Cantaloube, one of the authors. But the negotiations did not progress far before French President Jacques Chirac decided that the Americans were pushing too fast to short-circuit inspections by U.N. weapons inspectors.

Chirac, the book says, was prepared to join in an attack if Iraqi President Saddam Hussein had not allowed inspectors into Iraq. "Up until December 2002, what everyone told us is that France thought Saddam Hussein was going to make a mistake and not allow inspections," Cantaloube said in an interview. After inspectors appeared to make progress in Iraq, Chirac's thinking changed, especially after polls in France showed vast opposition to an attack.
White House officials declined to comment.

The book is a detailed recounting of the deteriorating relationship between President Bush and Chirac by two journalists based in Washington and Paris for the newspaper Le Parisien. The journalists, Cantaloube and Henri Vernet, said they interviewed more than 50 military and diplomatic officials in both countries.

The book also discloses that French officials became convinced the United States had eavesdropped on Chirac's phone conversations after a U.S. official warned a French military official that "the relationship between your president and ours is irreparable on the personal level. You have to understand that President Bush knows exactly what President Chirac thinks of him."

Cantaloube said the threat was believable to French officials because Chirac has a habit of not using secure lines for phone calls, often just pulling out his cell phone to make impromptu calls. "Chirac is a compulsive phone dialer," he said.

Chirac knew Bush's father, former president George H.W. Bush, well, but that relationship actually proved to be a distraction for the current president, according to the book, which says that Bush was annoyed that Chirac kept mentioning his father at every occasion. For months, French diplomats asked Chirac not to refer to Bush's father when he met the president, but he kept doing it.

During one of Bush's first European trips, when the new president impressed other European leaders at a summit, Chirac excitedly pulled out his cell phone to call Bush's father to report that the new president had done a great job, the authors said.
"The father reported this to his son," Cantaloube said. "It was not very well received in the White House."

Link, registration required

2004-10-07T09:29:00.000-07:00

IS BUSH GOING AWOL?
By Stockton

In what is becoming a familiar pattern, President Bush has decided to adjourn his annual physical examination until after the election. This move has prompted many to speculate that Bush my not complete the remainder of his duties as President.

"It's possible that he's enrolled in a Business Program at some university," said Presidential Historian Hester Milliken. "Or maybe he's going to work on a Senate campaign in Alabama."

Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan denied the rumors that Bush might abandoned his duties early. "Even if it were true," said McClellan, "he would probably just transfer to another presidency, maybe Mexico or something, and fulfill his obligations."

In related news, the American Medical Association announced today that it takes 26 days and 14 hours for cocaine to leave a user's system.

2004-10-07T08:30:00.000-07:00

DICK CHENEY - A PHOTOGRAPHIC RETROSPECTIVE
By Stockton

Sometimes someone comes into your life and changes everything. For me, that was Dick. I don't know what I'd do without my Dick. Dick is special. Wonderful Dick. I'll miss his rosy face and round bald head. I'll miss his flaccid arguments and erect posture. And because Dick will be gone soon, I've decided to share some photos of my time with my Dick. Enjoy.

Dick's friends all know that face. Oopps, is someone a bit flatulent today?

Here's good old Dick, explaining how many times he actually told the truth during the debate.

Who could ever forget the way Dick's face lit up when he'd see a homeless person or an orphan?

If it wasn't for Dick, I'd never have learned how to properly snap a kitten's neck.

And who could forget his Vito Corleone imitation. "Georgie, I never wanted this for you..."

Ooopps. More Flatulence!

I still remember how distraught he was when he heard about Paul Wellstone.

Dick was always so candid about personal things, like ....size.

Everyone should have a Dick in their lives. He made us all smile a little longer, laugh a little harder and step a little lighter. Good bye, Dick!

2004-10-06T07:48:00.000-07:00

CHENEY ESCAPES DEBATE
By Stockton

Vice-President Dick Cheney escaped Tuesday's debate and returned safely to Castle Cheney. Pundits can argue all they want about who won and who lost the debate but the fact remains, Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards was not able to plunge the stake into the corpse-like Vice-President. Unfortunately for the Democrats, the Vice-President was able to become a cloud of mist and exit the studio through a drain pipe prior to sunrise.

Cheney, just after the debate

The Bush-Cheney campaign was especially interested in attracting women voters and anxiously awaits any poll data on the impression the Veep made on females. Initial reaction among women was positive.

Cheney mesmerized female viewers with debate performance

"He was wonderful," said Mina Harker from her bedside. "I even had a dream where Mr. Cheney came to my window in the middle of the night. It was ever so sensual."

Meanwhile, Democratic strategists plan to meet early tomorrow to go over what went wrong and how Cheney was able to return to Castle Cheney prior to daylight. It is well-known that direct sunlight is fatal to the Vice-President.

Castle Cheney, just before full dawn

2004-10-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

VP DEBATE
By Tweed

My initial reaction to this debate was - Edwards won. Not because he kicked Cheney ass, but because he stood toe-to-toe with the Prince of Darkness and did not wilt (and scored some good points). Here are some interesting things I caught:

1. Cheney talked about the AIDS epidemic in terms of macroeconomics. He did! He talked about how awful it was in Africa that because so many workers had died there were not enough people to fill all the jobs. It was like he thought people were steel girders with hair-line cracks making them useless for their intended economic purpose. E-V-I-L D-U-D-E.

2. Cheney suggested that there was something untoward in Edwards setting up a sub chapter S corporation. Holy Crap! Before around 2000, most small business owners - the ones he pointed out that create all those jobs - who wanted to avoid corporate taxes formed S corporations. So what. . . . Cheney wants to do away with sub S corporations? He wants to penalize those small business owners? Not only that, when he talked about small business owners who have personal income of over $200,000 because of the way they're set up - they're flow-through entities, like sub S corporations! I guess you can only engage in tax planning if you're a republican.

3. According to real-time polling of mostly undecided voters set up by CNN, Cheney got his best scores talking about how he believed that people should have the ability to do what they want and how he thought gay marriage should be a state issue. Holy Crap! He got his best score when stating a posititon contrary to his administration's position! Holy Crap!

4. Jeff Greenfield had the balls to state on CNN that he thought it was ridiculous to have campaign spokesmen talk about how their candidates did after a debate - that it brings absolutely nothing to the table and that the practice should be abolished. He also offered $100 for any campaign to say that their candidate did a bad job. Where are those enterprising republicans when you need them?

5. Cheney showed some real class there, however. He must have been great in summer stock. Although I thought it was a stupid and cheap shot to say he never met Edwards in the Senate. Why would he ever? Edwards should have said "Yeah, I saw you a couple of times, but I didn't want to disturb you because you seemed very involved in a discussion with Pat Leahy."

2004-10-05T06:56:00.000-07:00

ASHCROFT VISITS AUSTRALIA
By Stockton

Attorney General John Ashcroft visited Australia this week and left our friends down under a little gift. Unfortunately, the safety-conscious law enforcement officer also shut down the airport for a few hours.

2004-10-05T06:48:00.000-07:00

VEEP DEBATE: A FAIR AND BALANCED PREVIEW
By Tweed

Tonight's vice presidential debate is shaping up to be a battle of epic proportions. At play are two immense talents - one, the evil genius behind the dauphin's attempt to take over the world, and the other, a hard-working middle-class kid with talent, smarts, looks and dedication to making America the land of opportunity to all Americans.

The Vice-President is not the eloquent speaker that Senator Edwards is, although he has his strengths. Cheney can control nocturnal beasts, like rats, bats and wolves. He may change into a mist and enter rooms through key holes. He possesses the strength of many men. Despite this, he does have his weaknesses. The Vice-President must return to his native soil before sunlight. Garlic, Holy Wafer and crosses will hold him at bay. Edwards must use the Vice-President's weaknesses to his advantage. If Edwards can delay the debate and Keep Cheney in the studio until dawn, he just might pull off a victory.

We at LB in 04' have thought long and hard about this debate and have tried to put it in perspective. What will this debate look like? How effective will the participants be in presenting their points? And what in history, ficticious or otherwise, gives us an example of what to expect?

2004-10-05T03:24:00.000-07:00

MORE TRAITORS IN OUR MIDST!
By Tweed

White House Be-yatch L. Paul Bremmer has turned on his master and bit the hand that fed him. In a series of speachifyings, Mr. Bremmer has criticized the Bush administration's handling of the situation in Iraq, in terms earily familiar to those used by Senator Kerry:

"We paid a big price for not stopping [the looting] because it established
an atmosphere of lawlessness. . . . We never had enough troops on the ground. .
. . The single most important change - the one thing that would have improved
the sutuation - would have been having more troops in Iraq at the beginning and
throughout. . . . There was planning, but planning for a situation that didn't arise."

Bremeer could not resist reverting to his role as Chief White House Tool (See LB in 04' Posts of May 3, 2004 and May 14, 2004), however, noting that:

"I believe that we currently have sufficient troop levels in Iraq."

The White House quickly went into its usual attack mode after hearing of Bremmer's remarks. Vice President Cheney was the first on the attack noting that "Bremmer was never really a team player, and we always suspected that he just didn't want to see the President re-elected. No one ever really paid any attention to him anyway. I think he's mentally ill. His mother did a poor job raising him. And I saw him try to burn a cat once." When pressed, Cheney admitted that burning the cat had been his own idea.

Other White House officials were more forward looking in their statements. White House spokesman Scott McClellen noted that for some time the President had "wanted to put him down, for his own good," referring to Bremmer. "Bremmer was good for a period of time - but it's pretty clear that he's getting old and is in some serious pain. We think the only humane thing to do would be to end it sooner than let him linger like this."

2004-10-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO ADD
By Stockton

Maybe it tastes like chicken?

2004-10-04T05:55:00.000-07:00

DEBATE WRAP-UP
By Stockton

Initial response to the first Presidential Debate between George Bush and John Kerry was that the night was a clear, unambiguous victory for the Democratic challenger. In recent days, that response has been muted and the press has now declared that Senator Kerry;

1) Edged out the President;
2) Barely won;
3) Won on style;
4) Had a very good night;
5) Did not deliver a knockout punch.

"We took a look at our pre-debate spin," says CNN News Director Will Ferris. "We were saying all along that this debate was a make or break for Kerry. After Kerry kicked ass, we had to reassess the situation. Frankly, we thought he'd tank and then it would be game over. It was necessary to either downplay his victory or lose our pre-debate spin. We found it easier to downplay his victory."

Despite CNN's reassessment, a majority of voters saw a Kerry win.

"He looked presidential and sounded confident. I think I just may switch to Kerry." - Jenna Bush, Texas

"If Bush can't defend himself from John Kerry, how the hell is he going to defend us from terrorists?" - C. Rice, California

"I like Bush but on Thursday night he really looked like one of my contestants." - Henry Shelton, Director, Special Olympics, NY.

Some of the assertions made by the President have also come under fire in recent days. For instance; 100,000 trained Iraqi Police Officers. After an exhaustive investigation, LB in '04 has been able to identify only one fully trained Iraqi security expert.

Making Iraq safe one bullet at a time

Not all is bleak news for the President. During in the course of the debate, Bush gave the average American citizen an inside look at what it's like to be President of the United States. According to Mr. Bush:

1) It's hard work;
2) It's a hard job;
3) See No. 1 above;
4) See No. 2 above.

2004-10-03T22:02:00.000-07:00

POPE KICKS OFF BEATIFICATION 2004
By Stockton

Pope Beatifies Emperor, Nun, Three Others
Sun Oct 3, 1:25 PM ET

By FRANCES D'EMILIO, Associated Press Writer
On Sunday, October 3, 2004, Pope John Paul II kicked off Beatification 2004 by Beatifying an Emperor a Nun and Three others. The hitch? The Pope refuses to release the identity of those he beatified. This break with tradition has led many to speculate the Pope has finally, "Lost it."

Followers of the Vatican and Catholic religious leaders have begun speculating on the identity of those beatified.

Speculation as to the identity of the mysterious "Emperor" centers on two emperors.

Emperor Ming I, ruled the galaxy for approximately 110 years Earth time, before being deposed by Flash Gordon. Ming, a cruel, despotic leader was responsible for the deaths of thousands but was a devote Christian.

Speculation also centers on former Senator Palpatine, who gained control of the Intergalactic Senate and destroyed the Jedi before assume Imperial control. Following a revolt, Emperor Palpatine retired to South Beach, Florida where he died in 1978.

Is Palpatine slated for Sainthood?

The identity of the beatified Nun is less vexing. Sources close to the Vatican have identified her as Sr. Bertrille.

Sr. Bertrille on her way to Sainthood

The remaining trio, like the Emperors, is cause for speculation. However, all authorities agree that the three personages are related and will be inducted into beatification together. Scholars theorize that the two most likey sets of trios are:

Three as yet unidentified males. And:

The famed double play trio of Tinkers, Evers and Chance

2004-10-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

LINKS FOR OUR READERS

As a public service, LB in '04 takes great pride in providing our loyal reader(s) with useful links; links that will make their lives a bit easier. So here we go....

Many seeking a fun night out may find this of interest. Enjoy.

2004-10-01T06:39:00.000-07:00

WINGNUT FRIDAY - BUSH WINS DEBATE!
By Stockton

From Blogs for Bush (subtitled, Help me get My Head Out of My Ass For Bush)

the after debate commentators are so worng..BUSH won the debate by a landslide. I wish lehrer or whatever would have asked kerry to release all of his military records...if I had heard kerry say he served one more time I was going to puke..what are sorry sack of....say hope is on the way...and global test...AMERICA doesn't need to get PERMISSION from anyone...KERRY LOSES DEBATE
Posted by Lotex at October 1, 2004 12:27 AM
Cotex has a point. The commentators can be 'worng' and it was a clear Bush victory last night. Bush looked Presidential, in control, articulate, thoughtful and flatulent (or constipated)

Bush soooooooooooooo won! Hands down!
True, he was slower. He was deliberate. He THINKS. He uses words we all get. He knows EVERYTHING.
Kerry? Two-words: Flipflop fever!
Posted by Dave at October 1, 2004 12:54 AM
He sooooooooooooo losssssssssssst! Daaaaaavvvvve really sums up why Bush is even in this race. Public School reform anyone?

What happened tonight was an anomaly. Mr. President has the weight of the world on his shoulder and lehrer is pitting him against a guy who has no accountability whatsoever. This was an uneven contest. David vs. Goliath. Mr. President needs our help.
Posted by John Walsh at October 1, 2004 12:58 AM

John Walsh (love your show, by the way), point well-taken. The President always starts with a natural disadvantage in debates. No name recognition, not privy to all those foreign policy secrets. It really was weighted in Kerry's favor. Now I have to get back to the mother ship.

One other thing I have noticed....
Over the last hour or so, I have dug around the blogosphere and noticed a general theme...
Kerry won style...Bush won substance...
very interesting... I suspect the vast majority of voters in the end will pick substance.
Posted by john at October 1, 2004 01:58 AM
We all know Bush is full of something, john, but is it really substance? What got you, john, his 'loving of the war widows'? His proper use of the word vociferous? I choked up there too. DUDE WAS ON!!!!

There you have it. Articulate, insightful analysis out on the wing.
dd

2004-10-01T06:12:00.000-07:00

WHY WE'RE DEMOCRATS # 71

Oh, and this too

2004-10-01T05:10:00.000-07:00

GUARD NEVER DISCIPLINED BUSH
By Stockton

But that doesn't mean he didn't want them to!

2004-09-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

NATIONAL PASTIME RETURNS TO NATIONAL CAPITAL
By Tweed

All of the Washington, D.C., metro area was all a-twitter with the news that the national pastime is returning to Washington. "I just can't wait," said Mayor Anthony Williams. Indeed, most of Washington seemed to be dizzy with excitement.

Despite jokes about it being "Bush league," lovers of the game have ignored such as "to be expected chatter by the nattering nabobs of negativity."

Long time supporter Douglas Murphy noted that "we've had a lot of activity the last few months - and it's really built up great expectations." Murphy also chastized the few doubters who argued the game would not come to town this year: "Look, excessive hyperbole always follows the debates - just because this year it came a bit early doesn't mean it won't continue after the debates."

Supporters of extravegant campaign verbiage lined Constitution Avenue holding up their signs with their favorite campaign rhetoric and examples of what they want. "I want to hear more about how John Kerry murdered his own troops in Vietnam and conspired with the enemey to surrender Saigon," said Anne Hendersman. "And I want to hear more about how George Bush is the love child of Forrest Gump and Bar Bush - and how Bush is planning to create a cabinet post of Secretary of Haliburton," said an unidentified man standing next to Ms. Hendersman.

Both campaigns promised to try to meet expectations. "Oh boy do we have some good ones," said Bush campaign spokesman Scott Underman. "Like how's this: 'If America wanted a pot smoking Vietnam vet, they would have voted for Al. . . maybe we shouldn't use that one - but how about this 'If Kerry's so smart, how come he couldn't figure out how to avoid combat' - love that one."

Mary Beth Cahill, Kerry's campaign manager, refused to cite specifics: "We just plan on using actual George Bush quotes."

2004-09-30T06:23:00.000-07:00

RIGHTWING DADDIES MAKE MORE LESBIANS
By Stockton

It appears that Maya Keyes, the daughter of Illinois Senate candidate Alan Keyes, is a lesbian (not that there is anything wrong with that). Ms. Keyes has joined the growing ranks of lesbians that are the off-spring of Rightwingers, including Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice-President Dick Cheney.

Sociologist Edward Velakovsky isn't surprised. "What do you expect from young women when the father-figure in their lives is a Dick Cheney or Alan Keyes? Do they really have a choice? These women probably believe that all men are like their fathers, crazy, wild-eyed demagogues who rant and rave about hedonism and hell. They probably see other women as their only escape from life with males like their father."

In his groundbreaking study, 'I Did Everything Right and She's Still a Dike', Velakovsky notes the irony of the situation. "Essentially, I found the Rightwing male hates lesbians because it is narrowing his field of opportunity. They've never been good at getting women, women find Rightwingers extremely undesirable and the increase in lesbianism means fewer opportunities for them in an already small field. On the other hand, I can't understand their distaste of male homosexuality. That takes a lot of goodlooking guys off the table and increases their chances tenfold."

I'm an extremist and all I got wasa lesbian daughter!

2004-09-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

BUSH TO STUDY FAMOUS DEBATES
By Stockton

In preparation for the first presidential debate (Thursday, September 30), President Bush is studying famous past debates. The President hopes to sharpen his debate skills by watching past masters of the art.

There is no shortage of material for the President to choose from.

V Lincoln Douglas

V Kennedy Nixon

V
Carter Reagan

However, President Bush has opted to study and analyze a more contentious debate. A debate that nearly ripped a family apart. A debate whose ramifications still echo through the decades down to the present day.

V Brady Brady

"This was a classic debate with loads of undercurrents," says political historian, Arthur Jaspar. "It's interesting that the President should choose this debate. Greg Brady, clearly the more popular candidate, ended up endorsing Marcia Brady, who demonstrated a better grasp of the issues. Could something unexpected be in the works? I find it hard to believe the President plans on endorsing John Kerry."

Greg Brady and Marcia Brady both vied for the office of Class President in 1969. The debate was televised on December 12, 1969. The race for class president, which began as a friendly challenge, soon turned viscious, splitting the Brady household along gender lines.

As Marcia faded in the polls, she turned negative, accusing Greg of breaking her nose with a football and of stealing the rival schools mascot. Greg retaliated with allegations that Marcia had made two dates for the same prom and it didn't matter anyway because she would never 'put out'.

In the end, however, familial devotion won out. Greg, seeing that Marcia was well-informed on the issues and generally sincere in her desire to limit homework, bowed out of the race. Marcia was later impeached for performing fellatio on a young Bill Clinton.

2004-09-29T06:10:00.000-07:00

TOUTATIS HAS NO LINKS TO AL-QAEDA
Science Desk

Asteroid Toutatis Makes Closest Pass in 651 Years
Mon Sep 27, 3:13 PM ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - An asteroid named for a Celtic god of war will come as close to Earth this week as it has since 1353.

The space rock known as Toutatis will come on Wednesday within 960,000 miles of Earth, relatively close by cosmic standards, Astronomy Magazine said in an e-mailed statement on Monday.

Toutatis poses no danger to Earth. However, if it did hit our planet, it would create a blast with the energy equivalent to 1 million ton of TNT.

"It won't hit us," said Astronomy Professor Kevin Lutz, as he loaded his van with cases of water and a variety of non-perishable food items. "I mean, 960,000 miles is pretty close but it shouldn't be a problem."

Toutatis, shaped like a dumbell or a gigantic Milkbone, is the size of Passaic, New Jersey but is more hospitable.

Donald Trump has announced that the next Apprentice winner will have the job of overseeing construction of a golf complex on one of the "bell" portions of Toutatis. "Right now," said Mr. Trump, "Toutatis is a giant rock, with no redeeming features. But after my team, led by the winner of this next round of Apprentice, is done with their work, it will be home to one of the most spectacular getaways ever created. Image: golf in outerspace, with no trees to interfere with your shots - just the stillness and breath-taking, awe-inspiring beauty of the cosmos."

Secretary of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge advises people to remain calm and go about their daily activities. "We cannot establish any links at this time between Toutatis and Al-Qaeda or Saddam Hussein," said Secretary Ridge. "But our investigation is ongoing."

Secretary Ridge and the Department of Homeland Security did issue advice to those who might be in danger if Toutatis were to hit: "If you are within a mile of the impact, stay in your homes, preferably under a doorway or some other reinforced portion of your home. School children will be told to hide under their desk or to 'stop, drop and roll'. "

Because they deal with such enormous distances and sizes, most astronomers say the estimated distance (960,000 miles) has a margin of error of 1,300,000 miles.

2004-09-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

CHECK-OUT THIS STORY
Editors

Luis, over at Another Liberal Blog had the audacity to bring up a substantive issue. It's about the state of healthcare and although we don't agree with him getting all substantive and wishy-washy (we think he's a commie, why else is he talking about h--------e?), please check it out.